BEDA Dix-Sept...I cried in the car 3 separate times today because of songs on the radio...

Oh my gosh, how freaking cute does Diana Agron look in that picture???

Hello friends.  Today was another boring day in the life of Ellen.  My best friend from home was finally in town this weekend and we hung out last night (had dinner with her family because I'm their 4th daughter, watched bad television, and got delicious chocolate shakes at Culver's...yeah, our lives are awesome and you're jealous).  Anywho, I would have probably had another adventurous day with her today, except that she left to drive to North Carolina for family vacation this morning leaving me with my boring routine of working out, eating, and trying to accomplish something on independent study.  Terrible.  Except it was even worse today because the Y is closed so I had to drive to the Y that's the next closest and it is ghetto, to say the least.  Really old equipment, seriously run down, and I couldn't even find a decent place to do my abs.  Laaaame.  Another gym in town is offering their equipment/classes to Y members for 5 bucks a day while it's being worked on, so I might try that tomorrow.  Hopefully it will fair better.

I did teach ballet today, which was a nice change of pace.  I don't normally think of myself as a dance teacher, and I definitely don't want to make a career of it...usually I think I don't even like it, but I did have fun today and realized I'd been missing it.  We have to teach elective ballet as part of our major at IU, so this fall will be my 3rd consecutive semester of early mornings in the studio, but I'm not dreading it as much as I was expecting.  Plus, today, I mixed fun, "real" music in with the ballet piano stuff, so that was fun.  I even played "Summer of 09" by ALL CAPS...they all really liked it, which made me happy.

This evening I went over to meet my mom and Dave at my grandma's for dinner because my aunt was in town for business, so it was lovely to see her.  And we had meatloaf, which was delicious.

OMG so I cried during at least 3 songs at different times in the car today.  It was so pathetic, and I have no idea what is wrong with me.  I know I'm not pregnant...because that is just not even possible.  But I have no clue what is going on.  So weird!!!  My mom is packing up the car to drive the rest of my brother's stuff down to his college tomorrow.  It is still taking some getting used to...this whole my-brother-is-in-college thing.  Anyway...I don't have much else to report on my end.  Love you all.  Love, me

P.S. On a completely unrelated note, the trailer for Black Swan came out today, and all I can say is WTF?  I was so excited for this movie when I heard about it, but it looks like a psycho/crazy/wtfisgoingon kind of thriller, and it's confusing me.  I know ballerinas can be crazy, but this is too much.  See it for yourself here.  I'm not embedding it.  WEIRDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!

OH!  Also, I got what could be some amazing news, but it's too early to tell...ahh secrets.  There seems to be a lot of that happening today in the blog world...ahem Kristina and Kaitlyn

Currently stuck in my head: "Love Like Crazy" by Lee Brice...one of the songs that made me cry in the car today.  Ridiculous.  But such a sweet song.  I especially love the line "Never let your prayin' knees get lazy and love like crazy."  As I'm working on letting go and giving it to God, it was nice to hear this evening.

BEDA Seize...Why I Do It

Yes, before you ask, that is me above.  I don't usually put dancing pictures of myself on here, so I figured I might as well, since that's all I'm gonna be talking about pretty much right now.

This summer, we had a...well...the only word I can use to describe her that's the least bit nice is interesting...jazz teacher.  Her attitude, inability to count straight 8s, and horrendous out-date-80s choreography led most of us to a loathing of her and a dread of her jazz class/pieces we had to perform.  Oh, and she made us do our hair like this for the show.  Anyway, the reason I'm bringing this up is because once during about week 4, she shared poems she had written with us about dance.  With cliche titles like "Why do I dance?" and "Let Your Wings Soar," you can imagine me trying my best to stifle my laughter.  You see, these were ridiculous explanations of why someone dances.  Ok, yeah...I understand that maybe at age 10, if someone asks you why you're a dancer, you'll probably give them the line, "Because I can express myself" or "It's freeing."  However, as dancers age, and I have found this in my many years of study with almost all of my ballet friends, that dancing isn't really "freeing" at all.  In fact, it's oftentimes quite the opposite.

In a sense, I am a slave to ballet.  Growing up, I often had to turn down invitations to do fun things with the standard line, "I can't...I have rehearsal," and sacrifice just seems to be the name of the game.  I've given up pretty much everything to still be dancing, and so have my parents.  Even my brother has taken the back burner on occasions.  The discipline involved in day in, day out classes, and dancers' love hate relationship with the mirror and perfection and their bodies create this kind of prison.

Sometimes, I really hate ballet.  Like, for instance, there are some days when I'm just so incredibly exhausted that even stretching before class seems like a chore.  And forget jumping high.  There are days when my body feels so heavy or fragile, I fear it might break.  And there are days when I feel so "off" and the teachers are harping and nothing is going right and I'm nearing breakdown.  That is not "freeing" at all.  That is torture.  But I can't quit.  I could never quit.  I think a lot of dancers dance not because it serves as an art of self-expression (though that may be possible in some improv classes on occasion) or freedom, but because they must.  There are no options.  I wreak havoc on my body every day, waking up in the morning with unimaginable stiffness and soreness and pain because I have to.  (I may also be a bit of a masochist, but we won't discuss that right now.)  And then there are moments...most of them happen on stage...where I experience an ecstasy so powerful and so overwhelming that I know I could never feel that anywhere else.  I've experienced plenty of heartbreak as a ballet dancer.  Hell, I don't even know if I'm going to be able to still be doing this for the rest of my life.  I don't know how long my body will hold out.  I don't know if the ballet world has a place for me still reserved in it.  But I do know that I don't see myself doing anything else.  I can't even imagine it.  I dance because it's not an option not to dance.  By the way, if you're wondering what brought this on, I found my dance quotations book on my bookshelf this morning and read the following:

"Ballet is full of mysteries.  Take the question of dancers' health.  Before company class starts every day at ten o'clock they straggle in, drawn and ashen-faced.  How it alarms me...Poor girls, how could they have even managed the stairs let alone survive an hour or two of class.  They line the studio with bags and bundles that disgorge a cargo of bandages and woollies, plasters and cotton wool.  It is less a dance studio and more a casualty ward as they pad and plaster bruised feet, tie scarves like tourniquets around their heads and waists, heave themselves into plastic trousers - gingerly lest they awaken past injuries.  As they hobble about I wonder how these invalids will ever bear the rigours of the barre.  Then, against all reason, a daily miracle takes place.  As the first notes of the piano are struck, far from wilting they begin to shimmer with well-being.  Their eyes open wider, their hair starts to shine, their skin glows and, as the time for centre work arrives the general radiance is dazzling.  The miracle is that they are drawing strength from the very act of dancing itself, living off it, and nourished by it.  As a long day of rehearsal passes the energy drawn from the dance seems to grow until the accumulated vitality is offered to their evening audience as an incomparable gift."  ~Donald Hamilton Fraser

Ballet is like medicine, I think.  It might not taste so good a lot of the time, but it always makes you feel better when you take it.  I guess a lot of people won't ever understand why I didn't choose to pursue something "normal" with my life.  But who gives a damn about those people?  I'm done listening to other people's criticisms.  Done questioning if this is what I'm supposed to be doing.  Because God would not have given me this incredible gift if I wasn't meant to use it.  I'm finally starting to be okay with  me...all parts of me.  If people can't accept the fact that I don't want to be a doctor or a lawyer or a businesswoman, then they can get over themselves.  I'm done trying and failing to explain myself.  I'm a dancer because it's the only thing I know how to be.  And that's quite alright with me.

I'm sorry if, in my attempt to not be cliche, I ended up sounding cliche, but I'm writing this rather quickly and trying not to overthink it. 

In other news, I finally finished The Hunger Games yesterday (I hadn't gotten to read for about five days as things were NUTS around the house), and, as I tweeted from the train yesterday, I am certifiably in love with Peeta Mellark.  Can't wait to start Catching Fire.  And Mockingjay comes out so soon!!  I'm off to do homework...I really need to finish a lesson today or my mom might kill me.  Have a splendid Monday, beauties.  Again, PLEASE (!) shoot any blog topic ideas you may have my way, as I'm running out of BEDA steam.  Oh, oh!  I forgot to wish Sarah and Graham Badger a most happy 1st anniversary in my entry last night (or I guess it really was early this morning), so Happy Happy Happy Anniversary, and may God grant you the most amazing blessings in your next year of marriage. 

Currently stuck in my head: "We Are Golden" by MIKA.  I LOOOOOVE him.  Also, that video is amazing because I, too, have run round my room in my underwear singing along to Euro Candy Pop.

BEDA Quinze...Late and Cheating

 

Found the above picture on Tumblr and thought it was too cute not to share.  Aww...baby Emma and Rupert...adorableeeee.

Ok, so before you get all Ellen-is-failing-BEDA on me, hear me out.  This morning I woke up at 5:45 to say goodbye to my baby brother, as he drove off into the land of collegians today (he's going down to DePauw early for pre-pre-season soccer stuff and my mom will be down with his stuff/to move him in to his dorm room on Wednesday (he's living in a frat house-oh great-til then)).  P.S. This whole my-baby-brother-is-in-college-now thing is really freaking me out.  Any advice on how to deal with the fact that it's both making me feel overprotective and old? 

Then I drove to Chesterton, got on the South Shore at 7:45, took a rather long cab ride really far northwest of the Chicago loop, and participated in Elements Contemporary Ballet's summer workshop.  I really liked it (and it was definitely nice to dance for 7 hours in one day again, as I haven't done so since getting home from Orlando). It was so awesome to be doing some contemporary work...and I worked my butt off, so all in all, no harm done.  Then I took a cab from the studio back downtown (which took forever), hopped on the 6:22 bus, got stuck at the 57th street stop for 20 minutes while they fixed some mechanical issue, pulled into the station 20 minutes late, and finally walked in the door around 8:30.

I had made plans with my dearest hometown friend, so I pretty much went straight to hang out with her, got home 10 minutes ago, and the result is a late (and pathetic) BEDA post.  Sorry for the lateness.  And the boringness.  Let's make a pact, blog readers...every day this week my posts don't suck.  Ok?  Ok.  Good night. Love, me

Currently stuck in my head: "Bulletproof" by LaRoux (it played on the radio every time I was in the car today...annoying!!)  Also, I've never seen the video til I just linked it now and...um...weird.

BEDA Quatorze...A Whole Lotta Nothin'

My baby brother leaves for college tomorrow.  I can't believe it.  As I still look at him like he's perpetually 12, I'm having kind of a hard time accepting the fact that he's not a little boy anymore.  He's all grown up and responsible and stuff.  And it's weird.

Anyway, I'm currently watching Youth in Revolt with the broseph...he would normally be out gallivanting around town with his homies, but most of them left for college today, and he's depressed.  Also, my mom and step-dad are at the Jimmy Buffet concert in Chicago, so watching a movie is pretty much our only way out of the boredom that is northwest Indiana.

I also watched a fair bit of the National Women's All-Around Gymnastics Championship.  Rebecca Bross is fierce...I just wish she would smile.  Her concentration is admirable, but I think I would admire her more if she would show some teeth occasionally. 

I took my first Zumba class this morning (as I was going to take spinning, but read the schedule wrong and got there 20 minutes late).  It was...interesting, to say the least.  It was a good workout, no doubt, but all the booty-shakin' wasn't really my thing.  I might attempt it again, but I might just stick to the elliptical from here on out.

Hmmm...what else?  Jeez...almost halfway through BEDA and I'm totally losing steam.  Any blog topic ideas you can give me would be greatly appreciated.  Night, beauties.  Love, me

Currently stuck in my head: "California Dorks" by Skyway Flyer....I can't get enough of it :)

BEDA Treize...On Living Passionately

I think I'm getting addicted to the gym.  I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  I was there for almost 2 hours today, and I want to go back.  Problem. 

Today, I didn't do much (yet again), except work out and eat.  Oh, and I read this infuriating article (btw, I'd love to hear your thoughts).  Instead of the promised So You Think You Can Dance review (we all love Lauren, and I'm so so so proud of her), I'm going to take my inspiration from Kayley, who posted a lovely blog today :)

Kayley talked about her favorite part of herself, and I'm going to do the same.  I have been an intensely passionate person for pretty much my whole life.  When I fell in love with dance at a very young age (I started when I was 4, but I think I really fell for it when I was 7ish), I fell hard.  I am so passionate about dancing, and I get really emotional when I think about it.  When I performed Serenade in March (for the 3rd time), I cried on stage because I was so happy to be dancing it and the music was so incredible and it was just one of the greatest stage moments of my life.  I'm also really emotional and passionate in my everyday life.  I am really empathetic...if I see others crying it makes me want to cry.  If someone hurts a loved one, I, in turn, feel hurt.  Sometimes, my passion gets me into trouble...at home, I occasionally jump to conclusions and my mom and I get into heated arguments sometimes. (We don't have a bad relationship; we just bicker a lot.)  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't trade my passionate side for anything.  I know, that when I do fall in love, it will be wholeheartedly and all in.  I wouldn't still be dancing if I didn't love it so much it hurts.  And my passion has led me to my incredible relationship with Jesus Christ.  So, I guess my favorite part of me is my passion.  I know that people say it's kind of volatile to be passionate, but there are good things about it, too.  It allows me to love things and people a whole lot.  And I wouldn't give that up for the world.

Currently stuck in my head: "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz (oh, hush, it was on my workout mix today)

BEDA Douze...Spinning and Meteor Showers

Today, I took my first spinning class in my life.  I almost died.  Seriously, one of the hardest hours of my life.  I think I might stick with it, though, because it was definitely a GREATTTT workout.  But, holy crap am I gonna be sore tomorrow?!!  Also, my teacher, who is friends with my mom, is a freaking beast.  Seriously, this woman is in ridiculously not fair shape.  My dad takes her spin class at a different gym every Tuesday/Thursday (which is when she also teaches at the Y), which means she teaches at least 2 spin classes every Tuesday and Thursday (and she doesn't just teach...she, like, PWNS everyone).  And then, my dad said she'll run upwards of 5-10 miles after she's taught spinning twice.  Um...hi, can I be you?  Kthxbai.

After the gym, I went straight to the grocery to pick up ingredients for my step-brother's birthday cake...yeah, I realize that sounds a little oxy-moronic, but whatever.  I'm the baker in the house.  Thus, I bake when asked.  I made chocolate cake with chocolate ganache frosting.  It was delicious.  And bad for you.  No regrets.

I also played with my dogs outside in the really high humidity.  Which was fun.

I'm really starting to fade on this whole BEDA thing.  All I do is workout, do homework, and eat, it seems.  Failure.

The So You Think You Can Dance finale results show was on tonight.  I'll probably talk about it more tomorrow, but I don't want to spoil those who haven't seen it yet (even though I've already done so on twitter and facebook-whoops).  All I'll say is it was amazing.  And Alex Wong is amazing.  And I wouldn't really have cared who out of the three finalists won, but I am EXTREMELYOUTOFCONTROLAMAZINGLYSUPER happy with the winner.

This blog post isn't going anywhere, so I'm gonna quit while I'm (not really) ahead and go watch the meteor shower.  Love, me.

Currently stuck in my head: Every AWESOME song that was on my spinning teacher's playlist today.  From Matchbox Twenty to Hey Monday, it was glorious :)

BEDA Onze...A Quick and Early Post

Um how good do those Minnie Mouse cupcakes look?

I'm planning on getting a lot of work on my independent study class done (yeah...that plan alllllways works out...), so I'm gonna write this pretty quickly so I can get to the gym, get home, shower, and begin reading a billion pages of the New Testament (which I wouldn't normally complain about, but this class has SO. MUCH. BUSYWORK.  And I hate teaching myself).  Dear Ellen, Stop complaining. Now. Thanks.

Anywho, both Kaitlyn (on her blog) and Kristina (in her Monday video on fiveawesomegirls) said they want to visit all 50 states before they die.  I'd like to fulfill that goal as well.  I thought I, too, would count up how close I am to getting there.  Turns out, I'm not as close as I thought I was:


visited 27 states (54%)
Create your own visited map of The United States

28 is the grand total...so I still have 22 to go.  I guess my family and I haven't spent any time in the Northeast (aside from New York and Jersey), and haven't done much traveling out west, save for Arizona, Colorado, and California.  I have lived in quite a few places though.  Born in Illinois, moved to Indiana when I was 4, went to high school in Virginia, lived a year in North Carolina, a year in Oklahoma, and currently attending school back in my native Hoosierland (btw, I do not consider myself an Illinois native, as I don't remember anything about when I lived there).  I have been to Alaska, which is pretty cool.  Along with Kaitlyn, I would just love to visit all seven continents.  Unfortunately, I've still got six to go, for, as you know, I've got the biggest travel bug EVERRRR.

I guess I'll cry SPOILER ALERT, though I'm not giving much away...last night I watched Make It or Break It, and the only thought I have is WTF?  Payson kind of looks like she's falling in love with Sasha, Lauren is seriously the most jealous/insecure/awful teen girl character I've ever seen on a television show, and Ellen Biels, national committee chair, is THE biggest bitch EVER.  I was literally about to throw something at my computer screen last night...she makes me sick...discipline is important, but it does not make a great athlete or dancer.  Passion and heart and emotion and drive make greatness.  This woman is trying to turn these gymnasts into robots, all the while trying to form a gymnastics dictatorship by ousting anyone who opposes her.  jgkdlshgkdlsghkdl I hope they kick her the hell out of there soon.  My anger level is increasing by the episode.

Ok, sorry. Rant over.  The SYTYCD performance finale is on tonight!  I can't wait. I think Kent is going to win, but my vote is for Robert.  But it's probably going to be Robert 3rd, Lauren the runner-up, and Kent the winner.  And now I'll leave you all.  Much love, me.

Currently stuck in my head: "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri. Finally, a less embarrassing admission. That song is hauntingly sad and raw and just gjkdlghds.  So gorgeous.  The dance Kathryn and Billy did on SYTYCD to it was breathtaking.  WATCH!