Rediscovering the Joy in Dancing

I have rediscovered the joy in my dancing.  Not that I ever really lost it, but sometimes, it gets hard doing the same thing day after day, week after week, especially when we only perform one weekend every 3-4 months.  Performing is what I love.  I know that class is necessary and the daily routine of my life would be all screwy if we didn't have it (not to mention, I'd be soooo out of shape), but the reason why I dance is because of the performance.  This Spring, the ballet department is doing an amazing performance with incredible rep.  We are so lucky, as a collegiate program, to be performing George Balanchine's, Serenade, Rubies, and Agnes de Mille's Rodeo.  I am more than pumped.  Today, we started learning Serenade.  I had the pleasure of performing it my sophomore year in high school and then again (just the first movement) when I was at North Carolina Dance Theatre for the summer program the summer before I stayed for the year.  The music and the costumes and the choreography are literally breathtaking.  Performing it was like a religious experience.  So to get to do it again is amazing.  The rehearsal went pretty well (although for the 47365th time I've been here, I still don't have a lead--which is discouraging, but another conversation entirely).  I am just thrilled to be able to have the opportunity to dance it again.

In other news, I received an email from the director of my IUDM committee, and it made me feel a helluva lot better about things.  Tomorrow, there is a bowling mixer with ALL of the IUDM committees, and it will be the first time I meet everyone.  I'm really excited and anticipating meeting everyone.

On Friday night of this weekend, a bunch of the DGs went over to one of the alumna's houses (she graduated last year and teaches in Bloomington) for dinner and a sleepover.  We made spaghetti, bruschetta, and break-and-bake cookies, drank far too much wine, watched the Hope for Haiti Now Telethon (and GLEE), and had good old-fashioned girl talk.  It was a nice break from the sorority house, but it also kinda made me miss living in my apartment.  I miss cooking and being able to have a queen bed and a bathtub and just being able to live without being surrounded by constant drama.  Please don't get my wrong, I love DG still, but every once in a while it's nice to have a break.

I also saw Up in the Air on Saturday night.  I absolutely loved it.  George Clooney was brilliant as always, and I was really impressed with Anna Kendrick's performance.  Having only been familiar with her in Twilight (gag me) and on an episode of Leno, she did a fabulous job.  Such an interesting story line (funny and heartbreaking and wonderful).  It also re-inspired my desire to travel (albeit with someone and not for my job and not shutting people out of my life).  It absolutely has to happen.

In regards to my previous post, Leah said that, although I used the word "trust" about 20 times, I didn't use the word "faith" once.  This surprised even me.  I guess I don't struggle with my faith.  I have faith that God is always going to come through for me...I have faith in the plan.  It's trusting that faith that I tend to have issues with.

I really hope this week isn't too terribly long.  I'm already ready for the weekend.  Does that make me pathetic or just unmotivated?

Trusting...

I don't admittedly have what you would typically call trust issues.  I mean, things have happened in my life where I should, and, yes, I occasionally do...Hell, I haven't exactly had a real relationship, so maybe I will feel differently when I start dating someone for real, but for right now, I don't have trouble trusting people.  Okay, I don't exactly share my deepest, darkest secrets or profoundly tragic things that have happened to me with just anyone.  Of course, I have to earn their trust and they, mine.  What I mean to say is this post is not about trusting people.  This is about trusting.  Period.

I recently interviewed for a dance marathon committee that I've been wanting to be on since probably hour 3 of November's IUDM.  The Morale committee to be exact.  At the marathon and since, I felt as if I had been called to it.  I hadn't been able to stop thinking about the line dance and those incredible people in tie-dye for three months straight.  Everyone to whom I told my wish to be on Morale encouraged me, gave me advice for the interview, and said that they thought I'd be perfect for it.  Well, I interviewed (it went well) and found out the results on Thursday.  I am now a member of the Alumni Relations committee (a theme in my life now as I am the Director of A.R. for DG).  I was excited on the phone talking to my director, but as soon as I got off, I broke down.  It isn't that I'm ungrateful or not thrilled to be joining the IUDM family...that is NOT it.  At all.  It's that I threw myself so wholeheartedly into it (the interview, the wanting it, etc.) and then didn't get it.

I shouldn't be surprised, honestly.  Things in my life tend to go this way.  With ballet.  With boys.  With other things, in general.  I get my hopes up or my heart set on something and it doesn't happen.  People say you shouldn't have any expectations because then you'll never be disappointed.  I suppose they're right.  If you don't expect anything or expect the worst, then you won't get hurt when your expectations aren't met and you will be surprised when they're surpassed.  But my heart doesn't work like that.  As you know, I am incredibly emotional and passionate.  I throw myself into things 200%.  So I have expectations and hopes and I get my heart set.  And I am often disappointed.

When God closes a door, it is said that he opens a window.  I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.  There is a reason that I wasn't chosen for the Morale committee, but was placed on Alumni Relations instead.  I just don't know that yet.  And right now, I'm still too bummed to even speculate as to what that reason may be.  I'm sure that once I have my first meeting and meet everyone, I'll feel differently than I do now.  I'm so thrilled to be a part of IUDM at all, as it is truly one of the most incredible organizations I've ever had the opportunity of working with.  I know that I have been placed in this position for a reason unbeknownst to me, and I just have to trust that God has a plan.  Something wonderful must be around the corner.  There has to be.  I have trouble trusting that everything will work itself out.  That God always has a plan.  He does.  He knows how many hairs we have on our head, our desires before we do.  He knows everything that's on my heart.  He will not disappoint me.  I know this.  It's the believing part I struggle with.

A Prayer for Haiti

After natural disasters like the earthquake Haiti experienced yesterday, we find ourselves as blessed Americans wondering what we can do to help.  Donating funds (money is the easiest and most effective way to help as organizations such as Red Cross, WorldVision, and Samaritan's Purse benefit most by being able to purchase the supplies they need with the funds they have.  But another important (and easy) way we, those of us far removed from this devastating catastrophe, can help is through the simple act of prayer.  We may not know why this happened.  Haiti certainly does not deserve this kind of heartbreak.  But we can ask God to be with the people of Haiti and the relief workers helping there.  To ask God to aid world leaders in their decision-making for how to proceed.  We can ask Him to be with families and friends waiting for word on the statuses of their loved ones.

I saw this prayer on one of beliefnet's blogs and had to share it:

My prayer is for solid ground.
May the earth that crumbled beneath feet and homes and schools once again become solid ground for walking and loving and learning.
May worried families and friends discover their loved ones safely spared waiting for them on solid ground.
May those who are trapped amid the rubble feel the solid power of love and healing that the world is sending their way.
May we who are so far away from the devastation find a way to share some of the solid ground of our full lives with those who have lost so much.
May the solid ground of this simple prayer become a foundation on which Haiti can rebuild.
Amen.

New Year, New Semester, New Babies

Sorry it's been a little while...not that anyone's reading this...are you?  Tell me!  Seriously, comments are sooo appreciated!  Anyway, basically I wanted to update you on my life since 2010 began.  Here goes the recap:

1. I spent New Year's Eve in Chicago visitng my best friend from high school who I NEVER get to see.  It was absolutely wonderful and perfect and we picked up right where we left off like we were 16 and living in the dorms again as usually happens when a Bridgette/Ellen reunion occurs.  It's sad because I never really see anyone from my ballet high school anymore.  They are so far away from me and making time/getting the money to see them is difficult.  They're hoping to organize an alumni reunion for the 25th anniversary of the spring ballet show, but finding the time around my school/finals schedule to get to Virginia might be way more work than it's worth.  We shall see.

2.  I left home to return to school a week early for Sorority Recruitment.  While it proceeded to give me headaches, a sore throat, laryngitis, a cold, and insane exhaustion, it also helped me remember why I pledged Delta Gamma just one year ago.  I got to read a letter to the chapter at Preference Round, and I got quite emotional at the end of it.  I don't deserve these women in my life.  They are incredible.  There is a cliche quote that many sorority women use to explain why they joined their chapters:  "They say joining a sorority is paying for your friends...if that's the case, I didn't pay nearly enough."  But it's so true.

3.  School started yesterday.  I have mixed feelings about the stress of the semester beginning.  I'm not entirely as excited about my Epidemics in History class as I thought I would be, mostly because my professor says "um" and "uh" practically after every single word she says and it's VERY distracting.  Ugh...hopefully, I'll get used to it.  I'm also teaching beginning ballet at 8 am on Tuesdays and Thursdays this semester.  I hope I'm not a total grouch and that these kids give me something.  Being upbeat and chipper at 8 am is REALLY difficult for me.  My English class (19th Century Lit) looks promising, though.  We're starting with Persuasion and I'm ecstatic!

4.  Finally, yesterday, our hard work and sleepless nights of Recruitment paid off when our new baby DGs arrived at the house.  They are all beautiful and amazing and so cool!!!!  We are soooo lucky to have them and I'm so excited about the coming week of hanging with the babes and the fun of Bid Week :)  The picture below is of some of the sophomores and juniors waiting outside our house for the newbies to arrive on the buses last night.

5.  My mom's wedding is in 5 weeks.  I'm trying to find a dress to wear in it as I will be her maid of honor/only attendant.  The search is going pretty well, although finding a decent, simple black dress for under 150 bucks is not as easy as it would sound.

6.  I'm going to be really sore tomorrow.  Third day of ballet.  Ow.  End of story.

7.  One last thing, I am now caught up on Doctor Who.  End of Time Part 1 and 2 were heartbreaking and tearful and I'm so sad David Tennant will no longer be the Doctor, but I'm optimistic about what Matt Smith will bring to the table as Eleven.  Hopefully, it will be great.  DT = <3 though :) 

I'll leave you now.  I need to get to bed/get my runny nose taken care of.  My nose hurts from blowing it with toilet paper as I can't find any Kleenex :(

The End of Break...Not Happy

Tomorrow I head back to school a week before school resumes for Panhellenic Recruitment.  While I am incredibly excited about the prospect of new DGs, I am not thrilled about a) having to spend Monday night moving rooms, b) leaving home, and c) the fact that I will probably be in Delta Gamma Land for the next week.  I have had a wonderful break.  It has been so great to be home, away from the stresses of school with the family enjoying the holidays.  Honestly the idea of being back at school kind of makes me nauseous at the moment.

I'm the kind of person, and I'm sure this is due to my anxiety/worrying, who dreads things.  I find it very hard to just let things be.  I am constantly thinking of what will come next, what I have to look forward (or not look foward) to.  I almost dread the day after Christmas more than I look forward to the 25th of December.  So, in short, I am dreading the return to the grind...the rehearsals, the books, the papers, the parties, etc.

I know, I know, I should take a deep breath and snap out of it, drive down to school tomorrow, relax and enjoy.  Believe me, I'm trying.  It's just difficult. 

A look back, reflections, hindsight, and all that other end-of-the-year stuff

I'm not a huge fan of the year-in-review thing.  I tend to put the TV on mute when they do some cliched montage.  And I find the endless top 10 lists annoying.  New Year's Eve celebrations have never been particularly interesting to me.  I've spent most of them on my couch with a friend or two watching movies and consuming junk food and avoiding the usually horrid weather outside.  But I suppose...since this is a blog after all, that I should do some sort of look back on what happened in my life in 2009. I guess I'll go month by month.

January: I participated in sorority recruitment and pledged Delta Gamma.  Like I said in my first blog post, it hasn't always been peaches and cream, but I have met and become friends with some of the most amazing women I know.  Probably one of the best decisions I have made or will ever make.  IU Ballet Theater put on a small, free show called "Ballet on the Edge" in which I was fortunate enough to be cast.  Though the snow day (first one in 13 years) caused our show to be postponed a day and relocated from the Theater to the studio, it was still a fun experience.


February: I always think February is way too long.  By then, winter is entering it's 3rd (or 4th) month and you just want it to be warm again.  Nothing much happened, save for the DG crush dance, which was fun.  Though I think I was way too sober to be there. I can't forget IU Sing.  Definitely a fun event, but an experience I would prefer not to repeat.  Trying to teach frat guys how to dance is not exactly easy.  Oh, and about a week later, my mom came to visit for DG mom's weekend.  Highlights included a game of beer pong at a frat house.  She even drank out of a red cup.  Classy.

March: March saw Initiation, Spring Break in Phoenix with my mom, and Swan Lake.  It was so awesome to be finally initiated.  On a whim, I got to do Spring Break.  My mom had a conference out there and she asked me to go with her, so I spent a few days soaking up some sun.  That week I also got to see my best friend from high school.  I'm really bad at staying in touch with her, so it was great to see her.  I Performed Swan Lake for the first time.  While it was not the full-length version and we sometimes questioned MV's choreographic choices, it was a rewarding experience, even with the Vegas costumes and the frustrating conductor.  You can stream it on demand here.

April: I turned 21.  It was not the best birthday ever, but it did fall during Little 500 week.  And I turned 21 as a college freshman, of which many people are jealous.  Mostly, I was just glad because I could order a glass of wine out at dinner.  And getting to go to Kilroy's without having to worry whether or not a fake is going to work is a nice perk, too.  Little 5 was an absolute blast.  DG placed 6th in the women's race.  Unfortunately, I never actually made it to the men's race.  Screwdrivers at 11 am the day after my 21st pretty much did me in.  Never, ever, ever again.

May: Saw my freshman year of college come to an end.  While this was bittersweet, I was definitely glad for it to be summer.

June/July: Worked as an RA/receptionist slave for the Milwaukee Ballet.  While at times the hours were long and frustrating, I loved all the girls I worked with and all most of the kids of whom I was in charge, particularly those who we took to see Half-Blood Prince.  Speaking of which--the long-awaited 6th film installment of my favorite book series of all time came out, and a few of the RAs went to see it at the midnight showing and again later in the week with the kids.  At the midnight showing, we went to an older movie theater where we sat at tables and were served wine and junk food.  It was delightful.  The film didn't disappoint either.  It is my favorite thus far.  David Yates did (most of) the fandom proud.  I got to see Emily, who I had not seen since summer 2008, a few times, so that was nice, too.  Also, a lot of celebrities died.  Which was depressing.

August: Moved back to school and into the Deeg :) I love every minute of it.  On a less fun note, two of the girls from my class in the Ballet Department did not return for their sophomore year.  They are both still dancing (thank goodness), but I haven't seen one of them since August and the other since October.  It is sad.  I have so many good friends scattered across the country it's ridiculous.  I miss you all, btw.


September: This month is kind of a blur.  Highlights include the Freshmen ballet party, in which the upperclassmen got more intoxicated than the freshmen (whoops!), my first (and definitely not last) Kilroy's $2 Tuesday, and the Ben Folds concert at the IU Auditorium.

October: Performed Diaghilev's Les Noces in October.  Basically the only thing I care to say about this is that I'm glad we got through it.  And I'm glad it's over.  I went as the Golden Snitch for Halloween.  I was very proud of my costume and thankful to Maggie who helped me put it together.  Though my wings broke not even halfway through the night and actual Halloween night wasn't a particularly earth-shatteringly awesome one, it was fun nonetheless.  Homecoming and the DG semi-formal also fell during October.  Unfortunately, I was rather sick with an upper respiratory infection during a lot of Homecoming week, but I did make it to the tailgate...for a little while, at least.  Semi-formal was also fun, and I had an absolute blast!!  My family also moved into my mom's fiance's house during this month.  I wasn't there for the move :(

November: Mostly, there were lots of birthdays to celebrate.  And school was pretty stressful, too. I also participated in Indiana University Dance Marathon 2009 as a dancer.  Hands down one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.  Not only did I stand up for 36 hours, I did it on no caffeine was was hyper and untired for most of those 36 hours.  I fell in love with the amaaazing line dance and with every single one of those Riley kids.  I'm looking forward to hopefully joining a committee in January.  FTK.  ALC.

December: Wrote a Shakespeare research paper, which just about killed me.  Thankfully, I did ok on it.  I Performed yet another Nutcracker.  This time as a snowflake, flower demi soloist, Clara's mom, Mirlitons, and Spanish depending upon the night.  Rehearsals were long and tedious, but the show was so worth it.  Didn't have any exams, came home on the 14th, and have been hangin' with the fam ever since.  The Project for Awesome (#p4a) was a lot of fun.  #P4A was even a trending topic on Twitter for most of the 48 hours, and it reached number 1 while Maureen Johnson was hosting the livestream.  Christmas was great (see below).  Received my grades, and for the 3rd consecutive semester, I have a 4.0 :)

Miscellaneous 2009 things:

1. Had my first drunken kiss with a boy I had hardly spoken to.  This is not something I'm particularly proud of, but it's kind of funny, so I figured I would share.

2. Became a die-hard GLEEk.  Can't believe there aren't anymore episodes til effing April.

3. Fell in love with (500) Days of Summer.

4. Saw a Michael Jackson tribute band at the Bluebird.  So good.

5. Cried (and not the happy kind) when my mom announced her engagement to me.  I later came around :)

Can't think of anything else random at the moment, but I will probably update this when I do.  Mostly, it was just another year.  Nothing particularly ground-breaking happened.  I didn't win the Nobel Peace Prize like Obama did.  I didn't procure some fabulous ballet job (because I didn't audition because I want to finish school).  But it was definitely the year that was.

It's very strange that it will soon be 2010.  Yet another new decade.  And 2010 is the year I'm supposed to graduate college--that is, if I'd gone to school on time.  I'll be turning 22 (WHAT?!) in April, which just plain scares the crap out of me.  It's interesting to think that we're entering another decade because A LOT can happen in ten years.  I mean, I was 11 during the Milennium celebrations.  11!!  I hadn't even gotten my first pair of pointe shoes yet...or attended my first summer ballet program.  People can meet, get married, and have babies in ten years.  How many times were you asked in elementary school, "Where do you think you will be in ten years?"  I normally replied to this question with, "Hopefully dancing with a ballet company and then getting married."  Well, I was half right, I suppose.  (At 18 and 19, I was dancing with NCDT and Tulsa Ballet, respectively).  Here's to a new decade and another ten years.  I hope they will be good to you.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

In which I don't have someone to kiss at midnight

Ok.  I get it already.  I understand.  I need to stop looking and relax.  Whoever he is will eventually come out of nowhere and sweep me off my feet when I least expect it.  Got it.

But damn, it really sucks to be single sometimes.  Especially when your mom is happier than she's ever been...and occasionally rubs it in your face when you're sitting on the couch next to her and her fiance gazing lovingly into each other's eyes while watching The Sound of Music.  Especially when practically all of your best friends appear to have perfect boyfriends.  Especially when you go to Facebook, see a last name you don't recognize, and find that yet another person you know recently got married.  Please don't misunderstand.  I am not trying to be jealous.  I'm so beyond happy for all of these said people.  I just wish these things didn't remind me so much of my perpetual single-ness and make me feel so lonely.

I am a pretty independent person.  I traveled halfway across the country to attend high school a thirteen hour drive from my home at fourteen, for crying out loud.  I have lived in two different apartments since graduation, and still find it kind of weird when people don't know how to do their own laundry.  I'm not trying to say that I'm some stoic and emotionally very strong person.  Because I'm not.  I'm actually too emotional.  Sometimes I cry at the drop of a hat just because it's the only way I can deal with things.  When I get mad or stressed, I don't yell or eat or be quiet, I cry.  Which, yes, I realize is not the ideal thing to do.  What I am trying to say, however, is that I don't understand why I feel this lonely when I am an independent young woman with plenty of friends and family and love to go around.  I simply shouldn't feel this lonely.  And what upsets me more is that I have convinced myself that life would be better with a boyfriend.  Maybe it would, but I need to remind myself that I have very little spare time as it is, and, let's face it, boyfriends take up time.  And at the moment, I'm unsure if my schedule could handle it.

I didn't used to care about this as much as I currently do.  Dancing with North Carolina Dance Theatre and Tulsa Ballet for two years was time consuming and I didn't have time to really even think about boys.  Plus, the only ones I really met were either very taken, married, or gay.  They were awesome.  Just not possibilities.  And I could have cared less.  I guess going to college has made me this way.  The social scene was an awful adjustment.  It's fun, but definitely overwhelming.  Apparently, I'd been living under a rock for the first 20 years of my life because until I started school, I had never even heard the term "hooking up."  Ok...that's an exaggeration.  I had heard it, but didn't know what it meant.  I still really don't.  I mean, yeah, I get it--physical stuff without emotional attachment or obligation.  I'm just not a fan.  I'll admit I have had a couple of drunken make-out sessions with boys I barely knew, but that's about it as far as no-strings-attached physical involvement.  I'm not a prude, just guarded and afraid of getting hurt (which is another topic entirely).

So, I'm trying to convince myself that I don't need a boyfriend.  That I should just relax and have fun and live instead of pining away for someone I have yet to meet.  I'm trying.  And this semester has taught me a lot about that.  And being home and focusing on the holidays has been a welcome respite from the social pressures of school (and for the down time in which all I think about is how it'd be real nice to have a boy to cuddle with right then).  So, for those of you who do have significant others, enjoy their company and kiss them at midnight on New Year's Eve.  I'll probably be home having a movie marathon with me, myself, and a bottle of wine...or at a bar with friends scoping out the single men to share a New Year's make-out with...oops.

P.S. As I am depressed about Christmas being over, I'm currently listening to one of my many Pandora Christmas stations in order to further my denial that it's December 28th.