Christmastime: Nostalgia, Current Enjoyment, and Future Fears

Why is it that come December, we all long to be 5 again?  I think something about the snow and eggnog seep into our psyches and make us yearn for the days of being innocent and carefree...and when we still believed in Santa Claus.  It's upsetting that Christmastime, as I age, has become a bit more stressful, and how the month of December has turned into whirlwind push-yourself-to-breaking-point-to-get-ready-for-Nutcracker-and-then-perform-it chaos followed by frantically-try-to-finish-projects-and-papers-you-put-off-and-cram-for-finals madness, so that by the time I returned home for break this past Friday, I did nothing but sleep and sit for about 48 hours.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved performing Nutcracker this year...snow went well and the ballet department came together more than I'd seen it, and it was just lovely and uncompetitive and supportive and family-like.  But the stress of it wore me out...and the following two weeks--dead week (which was not dead) and finals week (which sucked because, though I only had two finals, they fell the last two days of the week) were no picnic either.  So I guess what I'm saying is that school has sort of interfered with my Christmastime enjoyment.  But being home has sort of washed that all clean...and family time and shopping and baking and decorating and loveliness has made up for over half the month of December being completely crazy and nuts (no pun intended).

This got me thinking, however, about the prospect of me (hopefully and God willing) being in a company next year...where the likelihood of being able to be home for Thanksgiving is, well, not...and the probability of a long Nutcracker run through December 26th or later (Boston's goes through NYE--ew) is pretty high.  I haven't spent Christmas away from home, well, EVER.  The thought of not being in my bed on Christmas morning pretty much makes me sick to my stomach.  Aaaaand the fact that one weekend of Nutcracker shows did me in makes me question my ability to survive a long Nut run without completely burning out or getting injured.  I know that this is just all speculation in my head...the usual worrying and overthinking that my brain seems to put me through on a daily basis, but these are real fears of mine.  I don't question my ability to make friends in the company where I will hopefully end up, and therefore, I don't doubt that I will be able to figure out how to have Christmas away from home in the middle of Nutcracker.  But right now, thinking about that makes me sad and terrified.

All I want in the world is for my audition season beginning in January to go well and for me to come out on the other side in May knowing where I'll be in August and hopefully with plans in the works on how to get there.  All I want in the world is get a job dancing.  If a company that offers me a job has a long Nutcracker season, it will certainly not impact if I say "yes."  A job's a job.  Sacrifice has been one of the words that's followed me around my whole life.  Maybe Christmas at home will just have to wait until December 27th next year...

...Or, who knows?  Maybe I'll end up at a company like where my dear friend Emily is and get to go home on the 17th of December...

I hope you all have a very merry Christmas, or, if you celebrate something else that you have a great holiday and a Happy New Year...I might be back here before the 1st of January, but just in case I'm covering all my bases.  Be safe and enjoy your families and friends.  I hope this Christmas you find yourselves blessed by the gifts of God and the goodness of grace.  Much love.  <3

BEDA Six...On Freaking Out

Sometimes I have those days where I cannot stop thinking.  Today was one of those days.

This wasn't productive thinking either...this was freak-yourself-out-to-the-point-of-hyperventilation kind of thinking.  You see, I haven't really allowed myself to think about the fact that I'm a) going to be a senior in college and b) need to get a job next year til today, when I had too much time alone with just my thoughts.  And I can safely say that I'm officially freaking out.

I'm terrified.  Terrified that I'm not good enough.  That I won't be cast well this year at IUBT and therefore, won't have decent performance footage when I go to make my video.  Terrified that my family won't be able to pay the travel expenses necessary to send me all over the country to audition.  Terrified that any number of things could go wrong.

I wish I had someone here at home (besides my mother, that is...I mean, she's great, but I need my friends) who could pick me up and take me away from my thoughts.  I mean, I can call any number of people, but I need the physical contact right now.  I'm being swallowed by nagging thoughts about how I need to lose six pounds, being eaten by knots in my stomach.

And this is NOT good.  School hasn't even started yet.  Auditions don't start til January.  So why can't I get a break from my overly analytical brain?  jfkdlsghkdslghdklsg

Sorry for the gjdlkghskdlg post today...just in a bit of a funk right now and not sure how to deal with it, that's all.

Song currently stuck in my head: "The Cave" by Mumford & Sons.  (They're lovely...you should check them out!)

BEDA Cinq...Ellen's Got the Travel Bug

I miss Disney World.

Week one of BEDA is almost done (yay!).  Today was, again, fairly uneventful.  Most of the day was spent trying to summon the motivation to work on my independent study.  Yeah...that never really came.  I mean, I did make some progress, but it's slow-going, to say the very least.

I miss my friends.  From all aspects of my life.  I wish I had the money to just up and fly somewhere to visit them.  Hell, I wish I had the money to up and fly ANYWHERE.  I've been REALLY, REALLY, REALLY restless lately, thinking about all the world traveling I have yet to do (which is to say ANY world traveling).  The only time I've been out of the country was for a less-than-24-hour hotel stay in Vancouver, B.C., the port of departure for my family's 2005 Alaskan cruise.  (Sidenote: can we talk about how skinny I was then? I know, I know, I was 17, but still...ugh!)  Yes, it was amazing, but that's beside the point.  Currently, I'm just experiencing an intense itch to getthehellouttadodge.  And, seeing as as the funds are running low, we still have a year's worth of college tuition to pay, the (EXPENSIVE) dance audition season is looming on the horizon, and I lack a wealthy and generous boyfriend, I don't think my travel bug is going to be cured in the near future.  Depressing.

Trust me, if your house backed up to a cornfield, you'd probably be feeling the same way as I do right now.  (Don't mistake, though, being home is nice...just...boring).

I went on a long walk this evening and sprinted home (I'm not usually a runner, but I was in the mood for a brief jog).  Then I did abs while watching the last ten minutes of SYTYCD (very pleased with the verdict of the Final Three--Kent, Lauren, and Robert).  Felt good to do abs as it's probably been over a week since I did anything resembling a sit-up...whoops!

In other news, have you ever been scrolling through your Facebook news feed and discover a last name you didn't recognize, only to click on that person to realize you missed the fact that they got married three weeks ago?  Yeah...that happened today.  My dear friend, Rachael, from my arts high school told me about her engagement months ago, and I followed all the photo updates and everything, but somehow I missed that she actually got married, went on her honeymoon, and is now home with her new husband enjoying married life.  I am so very happy for her.  I just can't believe I didn't know!!

Thus, I bid you all good night.  If anyone has a few thousand bucks lying around, let me know...I'd be happy to use it to buy a plane ticket to Europe.  Kthxbai.

P.S. Something I forgot to mention in my post yesterday was the other thing that drives me nuts about SYTYCD, particular this current season...the judges' blatant and obnoxious favoritism.  It is so obvious this season.  And they've pretty much made up the rules as they go along.  RAWR.

P.P.S. I probably should mention Emma Watson's new haircut, as the fandom seems to be completely up in arms.  Oh my God, give me a break.  She cut her hair.  That's it.  It was bound to happen sometime.  I know, I know, it will be kind of weird to see her doing all her press junkety stuff without her Hermione hair come fall, but I think she looks gorgeous.  Yeah, her color could stand to be redone, but who cares?  She's beautiful and she wanted to do it and she did.  End of story.  Can we move on now?  Thanks.  /done

Currently stuck in my head: Summer of '09 by ALL CAPS.  Been listening to Bmin/E far, far too much lately.

BEDA Un...The Beginning

Ok, so I wasn't going to commit to doing this, but my dear friends Sarah and Marlena are, so I thought it be good to join in the fun.  By the way, you should check out their blogs.  They are lovely writers and a whole lot better at this than I am.  So now I'm committed and can't back out and I have friends to motivate me to do this.  For those of you who don't know, BEDA stands for Blog Every Day in August, though I suppose it has been used for Blog Every Day in April, as well.  Aaaanyway, because I recently rediscovered that I have a blog, I think this will be good motivation for me to keep up with it. 

Here goes...OMG it's August!?!  Holy crap, where did summer go?  I mean, I still have, like, 25 days before I return to school, but seriously.  Time...AHH!  So it's now been about a week at home, and I haven't died yet, which I suppose is a good thing.  Instead of being whiney like usual, I think I will list the top 10 reasons why home is good:

10. Getting to sleep in...after 11 weeks of getting up wicked early, it is so great to sleep in past 7:30!
9. My queen-sized bed.
8. Driving my car. I missed it.
7. Shopping with my mom.
6. Home-cooked meals.
5. Teaching at my old studio ($$)
4. My YMCA membership and favorite yoga studio.
3. My church.
2. Pets-2 dogs, 2 cats, and a turtle. Not bad company.
1. Family-When we're not fighting, they are lovely...really.

I'm hoping to go into Chicago a lot this week to take class.  A week off is plenty and I need to remain in the shape I was in upon leaving Orlando.  I'm also hoping to meet up with some friends there as well, so hopefully, at least some of my boredom will be relieved.

I still miss everyone from everywhere more than you know.  I'm also really worried about finances at the moment, for the audition season is looming (well, Jan-April, but still) and I'm trying to wrap my mind around how much my family and I are going to have to fork out for flights and hotel reservations and postage for audition packets and video and blah blah blah...AHHHH!  Trying not to freak out.  And also praying for a miracle that will help me make do all the things I want to do next summer, including LeakyCon.  Stay tuned.

Before I go, I wanted to briefly mention that I saw Inception last night and loved it.  I'm still not convinced one way or the other of the end, but regardless of plot (which was awesome), the film-making involved was just epic and amazing.  Also, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Marion Cotillard <3.  I love movies that make you think, and I think I'm going to have to agree with the critics who applauded it.  Other movies on my list still to see this summer are Charlie St. Cloud and Despicable Me.  I'm really pumped for Mao's Last Dancer, as well.
 
I'm feelin' good about this whole BEDA thing.  Keep up with me.  If you'd like to follow me on twitter, you can click here.  I also have a tumblr in case anyone's interested...mostly I just reblog photos and quotes and things other users post.  Here is where I do the "serious" blogging.  Happy August!  Rabbit, rabbit.  Love ya'll <3