Trusting...

I don't admittedly have what you would typically call trust issues.  I mean, things have happened in my life where I should, and, yes, I occasionally do...Hell, I haven't exactly had a real relationship, so maybe I will feel differently when I start dating someone for real, but for right now, I don't have trouble trusting people.  Okay, I don't exactly share my deepest, darkest secrets or profoundly tragic things that have happened to me with just anyone.  Of course, I have to earn their trust and they, mine.  What I mean to say is this post is not about trusting people.  This is about trusting.  Period.

I recently interviewed for a dance marathon committee that I've been wanting to be on since probably hour 3 of November's IUDM.  The Morale committee to be exact.  At the marathon and since, I felt as if I had been called to it.  I hadn't been able to stop thinking about the line dance and those incredible people in tie-dye for three months straight.  Everyone to whom I told my wish to be on Morale encouraged me, gave me advice for the interview, and said that they thought I'd be perfect for it.  Well, I interviewed (it went well) and found out the results on Thursday.  I am now a member of the Alumni Relations committee (a theme in my life now as I am the Director of A.R. for DG).  I was excited on the phone talking to my director, but as soon as I got off, I broke down.  It isn't that I'm ungrateful or not thrilled to be joining the IUDM family...that is NOT it.  At all.  It's that I threw myself so wholeheartedly into it (the interview, the wanting it, etc.) and then didn't get it.

I shouldn't be surprised, honestly.  Things in my life tend to go this way.  With ballet.  With boys.  With other things, in general.  I get my hopes up or my heart set on something and it doesn't happen.  People say you shouldn't have any expectations because then you'll never be disappointed.  I suppose they're right.  If you don't expect anything or expect the worst, then you won't get hurt when your expectations aren't met and you will be surprised when they're surpassed.  But my heart doesn't work like that.  As you know, I am incredibly emotional and passionate.  I throw myself into things 200%.  So I have expectations and hopes and I get my heart set.  And I am often disappointed.

When God closes a door, it is said that he opens a window.  I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.  There is a reason that I wasn't chosen for the Morale committee, but was placed on Alumni Relations instead.  I just don't know that yet.  And right now, I'm still too bummed to even speculate as to what that reason may be.  I'm sure that once I have my first meeting and meet everyone, I'll feel differently than I do now.  I'm so thrilled to be a part of IUDM at all, as it is truly one of the most incredible organizations I've ever had the opportunity of working with.  I know that I have been placed in this position for a reason unbeknownst to me, and I just have to trust that God has a plan.  Something wonderful must be around the corner.  There has to be.  I have trouble trusting that everything will work itself out.  That God always has a plan.  He does.  He knows how many hairs we have on our head, our desires before we do.  He knows everything that's on my heart.  He will not disappoint me.  I know this.  It's the believing part I struggle with.