BEDA Vingt-Sept...No time to write; too busy having a blast

That picture was a twitpic retweeted by IU's twitterfeed of the pond in the arboretum with the Wells Library in the background.  Gorgeous isn't it?

This is going to be a fairly short post, but I didn't want to skip it completely because I made a promise to myself that I would finish BEDA and I don't go back on promises. 

I am currently sitting at my desk, which faces the window, which looks out onto one of the main drags of campus, and I can't stop smiling.  It is even more beautiful here than I remember it.  I know that this may seem like complete and utter bullshit, but IU really is one of the best places I've ever been.  I love everything about it here, and it took me until I literally drove into campus, parked my car in the garage, and had reunions with some of the most amazing people in the whole world for me to remember that.  All summer I felt like I was missing IU, but I was filled with sheer dread every time I thought about it for some reason.  But I really had nothing to worry about.  It is as amazing (and, perhaps even more amazing) as ever, and I'm so happy to be back.

Last night, I went to two of the dancers' apartment (along with most of the rest of the department), and we sat around and drank too much wine and played Kings and laughed and hugged and it was lovely.  And I love everyone.  And I'm gonna get back to having the most fun ever.  K bye.

Currently stuck in my head: Too busy having fun to listen to music...

BEDA Vingt-Six...Back in the promised land

I'm so glad I'm back at school.  While there's always a period of readjustment, when I was driving into campus, I was literally grinning like an idiot.  This place is so beautiful and I've already seen so many of my favorite people in the world.  And I'm taking major-taught ballet tomorrow and there's the Jacobs School welcome ice cream social (which has become one of my favorite events ever) and there's a ballet party tonight and AHH!  I am so happy. 

I really don't have much else to report.  Oh, except driving on the interstate actually wasn't superhorrendouslyawful scary like my mom made me think it was and I made it here in one piece (praise Jesus).  And I haven't decorated at all and there are still boxes all over my floor.  Thank goodness I didn't bring all my stuff today and the madre and Dave are bringing the rest Saturday...much less stressful to do it in two parts.  Also, I had Mockingjay sent to my sorority house, so it is now in my possession, though I fear if I pick it up and start reading I will lose valuable hang-out time, so I'm gonna hold off until at least tomorrow.  

Forgive the short post, but there are friends to attend to :)

Currently stuck in my head: "Mine" by the always overplayed T-Swift.  Does anyone else think she sounds kinda flat in that song?

BEDA Treize...On Living Passionately

I think I'm getting addicted to the gym.  I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  I was there for almost 2 hours today, and I want to go back.  Problem. 

Today, I didn't do much (yet again), except work out and eat.  Oh, and I read this infuriating article (btw, I'd love to hear your thoughts).  Instead of the promised So You Think You Can Dance review (we all love Lauren, and I'm so so so proud of her), I'm going to take my inspiration from Kayley, who posted a lovely blog today :)

Kayley talked about her favorite part of herself, and I'm going to do the same.  I have been an intensely passionate person for pretty much my whole life.  When I fell in love with dance at a very young age (I started when I was 4, but I think I really fell for it when I was 7ish), I fell hard.  I am so passionate about dancing, and I get really emotional when I think about it.  When I performed Serenade in March (for the 3rd time), I cried on stage because I was so happy to be dancing it and the music was so incredible and it was just one of the greatest stage moments of my life.  I'm also really emotional and passionate in my everyday life.  I am really empathetic...if I see others crying it makes me want to cry.  If someone hurts a loved one, I, in turn, feel hurt.  Sometimes, my passion gets me into trouble...at home, I occasionally jump to conclusions and my mom and I get into heated arguments sometimes. (We don't have a bad relationship; we just bicker a lot.)  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't trade my passionate side for anything.  I know, that when I do fall in love, it will be wholeheartedly and all in.  I wouldn't still be dancing if I didn't love it so much it hurts.  And my passion has led me to my incredible relationship with Jesus Christ.  So, I guess my favorite part of me is my passion.  I know that people say it's kind of volatile to be passionate, but there are good things about it, too.  It allows me to love things and people a whole lot.  And I wouldn't give that up for the world.

Currently stuck in my head: "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz (oh, hush, it was on my workout mix today)

Late Night. Can't Sleep.

So...I hate to be emo and angsty and make myself sound like some sort of desperate girl, but this is what I'm feeling right now:

I'm so ready to be in love.  My heart is open and my arms are wide.  I have so much love to give, but haven't found anyone ready to receive it.  I know, I know, I know (!) patience...stop worrying..."your time will come"...blah blah blah.  But right now, I'm lonely.  And my mom is getting married on Saturday (which is probably the single greatest thing to happen to our family in the last 15 years) and I just want that.  At the risk of sounding like a bad pop song, I want someone to want me.  And I'm tired of waiting.  I'm frustrated and sick of this. 

Ok, I'm sorry for being so annoying.  And I'll probably delete this post in a few days because it'll probably sound terribly pathetic to me tomorrow morning, but it's late and and cold and I'm tired and I'd pretty much give anything to be snuggling next to someone who loves me right now. 

I'm done now.  Bye.

A Numbered Update

It's been a little while...my apologies for my lack of blog posts over the last two weeks.  I've been a crazy busy hectic mess of a person.  So, here's for an update:

1. We finished learning Serenade, have now run it through twice (once Thursday, once Friday), and I'm fairly sure that I'm going to be able to get through it.  I need a bit more stamina though.  Does anyone know where one can buy it?  Thanks.

2. Along those lines, we start Agnes de Mille's Rodeo on Monday.  The man setting it will be here through Spring Ballet, so it won't be as stressful, hopefully.

3. I have a paper to write that's due Monday at midnight and I am procrastinating like no other.  Blah.

4. My mom's wedding is exactly one week from today!  I am so, so excited to go home for it and to see family that I never get to see.  :)

5. Yesterday, IU held a symposium called "Check Your Label: Elements of Conscious Consumerism," which featured several social entrepreneurs who are doing amazing things with fair trade and the like.  One of these was Blake Mycoskie, CEO and Chief Shoe-Giver of TOMS Shoes.  I've been a fan of TOMS for quite a while, so it was a definite treat to hear him tell the story I've heard for so long and to see his passion for his company in action.  Also, he's super good-looking.  Anyone know where I can find someone like him?  If you do, please let me know.

6. Valentine's Day is approaching.  It makes me want to throw up.  Anyone want to be mine?

7. The Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics start on Friday, and I couldn't be more pumped.

8. I need coffee.  Now.  But the stuff downstairs just doesn't cut it, and it's much too cold and the wind is howling much too loudly for me to get up the energy to walk to the Starbucks in the Union.

9. I saw the IU Opera Theater's production of Lucia di Lammermoor last night.  While it ran a little long (almost 3 hours!), I was incredibly impressed by Angela Kloc's (Lucia) performance.  It was kind of unbelievable, especially considering she's only a first year grad student!

10. I need to see several movies before the Oscars, including The Hurt Locker, Crazy Heart, and It's Complicated.  I also want to see Dear John, despite the not-so-great things I've heard about it (Channing Tatum is a god) and Valentine's Day, but I think I'll wait til after next weekend, when the theater isn't overtaken by lovesick couples (ew).

11. Had my first IUDM Alumni Relations Committee meeting and am so excited about the work that we're going to be doing.  We have a very large task at hand, trying to expand our alumni base and bring them into the foreground of the marathon, but the committee is full of creative and talented people, and I'm confident we have the necessary tools to do this.  It definitely made me feel better about everything.

12. Finally, I still feel like God is preparing me for something awesome right now, but He still hasn't quite revealed to me what that is.  I'm continuing to pray about it.  Those of you who pray, would you mind praying for me to have patience and to not lose my trust in His plan?  That would be fabulous. 

I think that's enough of an update for now.  Not much else to report.  Hope those of you on the east coast are staying out of the cold and snow...we were expecting more snow in Btown, but it looks like we got about 6 or so inches and a lot of wind instead.

Trusting...

I don't admittedly have what you would typically call trust issues.  I mean, things have happened in my life where I should, and, yes, I occasionally do...Hell, I haven't exactly had a real relationship, so maybe I will feel differently when I start dating someone for real, but for right now, I don't have trouble trusting people.  Okay, I don't exactly share my deepest, darkest secrets or profoundly tragic things that have happened to me with just anyone.  Of course, I have to earn their trust and they, mine.  What I mean to say is this post is not about trusting people.  This is about trusting.  Period.

I recently interviewed for a dance marathon committee that I've been wanting to be on since probably hour 3 of November's IUDM.  The Morale committee to be exact.  At the marathon and since, I felt as if I had been called to it.  I hadn't been able to stop thinking about the line dance and those incredible people in tie-dye for three months straight.  Everyone to whom I told my wish to be on Morale encouraged me, gave me advice for the interview, and said that they thought I'd be perfect for it.  Well, I interviewed (it went well) and found out the results on Thursday.  I am now a member of the Alumni Relations committee (a theme in my life now as I am the Director of A.R. for DG).  I was excited on the phone talking to my director, but as soon as I got off, I broke down.  It isn't that I'm ungrateful or not thrilled to be joining the IUDM family...that is NOT it.  At all.  It's that I threw myself so wholeheartedly into it (the interview, the wanting it, etc.) and then didn't get it.

I shouldn't be surprised, honestly.  Things in my life tend to go this way.  With ballet.  With boys.  With other things, in general.  I get my hopes up or my heart set on something and it doesn't happen.  People say you shouldn't have any expectations because then you'll never be disappointed.  I suppose they're right.  If you don't expect anything or expect the worst, then you won't get hurt when your expectations aren't met and you will be surprised when they're surpassed.  But my heart doesn't work like that.  As you know, I am incredibly emotional and passionate.  I throw myself into things 200%.  So I have expectations and hopes and I get my heart set.  And I am often disappointed.

When God closes a door, it is said that he opens a window.  I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.  There is a reason that I wasn't chosen for the Morale committee, but was placed on Alumni Relations instead.  I just don't know that yet.  And right now, I'm still too bummed to even speculate as to what that reason may be.  I'm sure that once I have my first meeting and meet everyone, I'll feel differently than I do now.  I'm so thrilled to be a part of IUDM at all, as it is truly one of the most incredible organizations I've ever had the opportunity of working with.  I know that I have been placed in this position for a reason unbeknownst to me, and I just have to trust that God has a plan.  Something wonderful must be around the corner.  There has to be.  I have trouble trusting that everything will work itself out.  That God always has a plan.  He does.  He knows how many hairs we have on our head, our desires before we do.  He knows everything that's on my heart.  He will not disappoint me.  I know this.  It's the believing part I struggle with.

In which I don't have someone to kiss at midnight

Ok.  I get it already.  I understand.  I need to stop looking and relax.  Whoever he is will eventually come out of nowhere and sweep me off my feet when I least expect it.  Got it.

But damn, it really sucks to be single sometimes.  Especially when your mom is happier than she's ever been...and occasionally rubs it in your face when you're sitting on the couch next to her and her fiance gazing lovingly into each other's eyes while watching The Sound of Music.  Especially when practically all of your best friends appear to have perfect boyfriends.  Especially when you go to Facebook, see a last name you don't recognize, and find that yet another person you know recently got married.  Please don't misunderstand.  I am not trying to be jealous.  I'm so beyond happy for all of these said people.  I just wish these things didn't remind me so much of my perpetual single-ness and make me feel so lonely.

I am a pretty independent person.  I traveled halfway across the country to attend high school a thirteen hour drive from my home at fourteen, for crying out loud.  I have lived in two different apartments since graduation, and still find it kind of weird when people don't know how to do their own laundry.  I'm not trying to say that I'm some stoic and emotionally very strong person.  Because I'm not.  I'm actually too emotional.  Sometimes I cry at the drop of a hat just because it's the only way I can deal with things.  When I get mad or stressed, I don't yell or eat or be quiet, I cry.  Which, yes, I realize is not the ideal thing to do.  What I am trying to say, however, is that I don't understand why I feel this lonely when I am an independent young woman with plenty of friends and family and love to go around.  I simply shouldn't feel this lonely.  And what upsets me more is that I have convinced myself that life would be better with a boyfriend.  Maybe it would, but I need to remind myself that I have very little spare time as it is, and, let's face it, boyfriends take up time.  And at the moment, I'm unsure if my schedule could handle it.

I didn't used to care about this as much as I currently do.  Dancing with North Carolina Dance Theatre and Tulsa Ballet for two years was time consuming and I didn't have time to really even think about boys.  Plus, the only ones I really met were either very taken, married, or gay.  They were awesome.  Just not possibilities.  And I could have cared less.  I guess going to college has made me this way.  The social scene was an awful adjustment.  It's fun, but definitely overwhelming.  Apparently, I'd been living under a rock for the first 20 years of my life because until I started school, I had never even heard the term "hooking up."  Ok...that's an exaggeration.  I had heard it, but didn't know what it meant.  I still really don't.  I mean, yeah, I get it--physical stuff without emotional attachment or obligation.  I'm just not a fan.  I'll admit I have had a couple of drunken make-out sessions with boys I barely knew, but that's about it as far as no-strings-attached physical involvement.  I'm not a prude, just guarded and afraid of getting hurt (which is another topic entirely).

So, I'm trying to convince myself that I don't need a boyfriend.  That I should just relax and have fun and live instead of pining away for someone I have yet to meet.  I'm trying.  And this semester has taught me a lot about that.  And being home and focusing on the holidays has been a welcome respite from the social pressures of school (and for the down time in which all I think about is how it'd be real nice to have a boy to cuddle with right then).  So, for those of you who do have significant others, enjoy their company and kiss them at midnight on New Year's Eve.  I'll probably be home having a movie marathon with me, myself, and a bottle of wine...or at a bar with friends scoping out the single men to share a New Year's make-out with...oops.

P.S. As I am depressed about Christmas being over, I'm currently listening to one of my many Pandora Christmas stations in order to further my denial that it's December 28th.

On Christmas Traditions and Additions

This year, Christmas was a little different.  For those of you who don't know, my mom is due to get married in February (to a wondeful, wonderful guy) and we (my mom, brother, and I) have been moved into his house with his two college-aged sons since October.  It was a strange adjustment.  I wasn't around for the move, and my house is a four hour drive from my school, so I don't get home very often.  The first time I saw the house was at Thanksgiving, and everything was already moved in and situated, and I felt a little discombobulated.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I was sooo happy to be living there, but I had been living in my old house since I was five.  We moved there from the Chicago suburbs, and, after my mom's divorce, it was a constant.  I could always come home to it.  I went away to high school and took two years off to dance in two different ballet companies after graduation and have been gone a long time, so I don't have a terribly strong connection to my hometown, but that house was always my respite, my piece of familiarity, etc.  So to come "home" to some place completely new was weird and different, to say the least.

But, somehow, I managed to figure it all out, and I went back to school, finished up my final papers, and got home the 14th.  I've been home for two weeks and feel a bit more adjusted than I did at Thanksgiving.  However, Christmas was definitely different this year.  I knew it would be...a new house, a soon-to-be step-dad, two soon-to-be step-brothers, four dogs, two cats, (and a partridge in a pear tree), is a lot to handle.  On Christmas Eve, we went to my grandma and grandpa's house for dinner like we've done since I can remember and then to their church for Christmas Eve service.  Much as I like their church, it would have been nice to have gone to ours.  Also, my grandpa isn't doing so hot lately, so in order to get him to church, they had to pack the wheelchair in the car.  That was hard.  After church, we came home, but, unlike Christmases past, my mom didn't have any Christmas PJs for us to unwrap.  She "didn't know we wanted them."  Didn't know we wanted them?!  I ALWAYS want Christmas PJs.  Oh well.  No biggie, I guess.

Then, on Christmas morning, we woke up (late--9:30 I think it was), opened our stockings from "Santa," had waffles and drank some Christmas blend, and then my brother and I reluctantly drove to our dad's house for Christmas dinner.  The last time we spent Christmas with my dad was before I went away to school, so, to say it was weird doesn't even begin to cover it.  Now, don't mistake, I love my dad, but I don't exactly like him.  We haven't clicked in about five years.  We don't talk regularly and it's hit-or-miss whether we're going to get along when we see each other.  But that's another story entirely.  Anyway, we had turkey and green beans and mashed potatoes and all the fixins, but my brother and I were definitely glad when it was over.  We then returned home, opened up our presents (Santa was good to me this year) in the late afternoon, and ended the day with steak, mashed potatoes, and wine.  Lots of wine.

Yesterday, we got up early and headed up to Michigan to see my mom's fiance's family.  I was a bit nervous to be meeting so many new people (21 in total I believe), but they were so welcoming and fun that it ended up being a blast!  We had yet another Christmas dinner (take 3? 4?), sat around and drank wine, and played several violent rounds of Spoons and Taboo.  Then the adults left and the "kids" stayed at one of the cousins' houses, watched The Hangover (which I'm very surprised I thought was hysterical), and went to bed late.  We drove home in the snow this afternoon, and here I sit on my bed in my new house with my new cat purring next to me.

Like Buck said in his vlog the other day, Christmas changes, but it's ok.  I think I can get used to this.  Christmas isn't always going to be as brilliant or as awesome as it was last year, but it will always be different.  It might even be better.  I can't wait for the wedding in mid-February.  I've never seen my mom this happy in my life.  And that, my friends, is more of a present than anything Santa could have left me under the tree.

Merry Christmas and best wishes (loljohngreenjokes) for 2010!!!

A Triumphant (?) Return to the Blogosphere

Hi.  For those who don't know me, I'm Ellen.  I hate writing these "first post" things because they're kind of annoying and I HATE writing about myself.  Mostly because it makes my life sounds pretty lame.  Which it is.  So...yeah.  Anyway, I've decided to start blogging again.  Now, I've tried this a few times in the past with very little success, but I'm going to seriously try this time.  I mean it.  I'll make it a New Year's Resolution (which, let's face it, people rarely keep, but whatever).

Some things you should know about me (this is a random list--obviously my life has more facets than this, but it's a brief overview):

1. I'm a dancer.  A serious one.  Ballet was my first love and always will me.  My life revolves around it.  I attend Indiana University as a ballet major.  I'll be graduating a year early in 2011, and, hopefully, by then I will have a job as a full company member somewhere.  It's weird to have known what I wanted to do since I was 8.  Most people in college still don't know what they want to do.  I always have.  That's pretty awesome, but also heartbreaking because if I don't get a job dancing, I honestly don't know what I'll do.  Have you ever wanted something so badly it hurt?  That's how I feel about getting a ballet job.

2. I am probably the biggest worrywart you will ever meet.  Seriously.  It's a problem.  Sometimes I think I should be medicated for my anxiety, but then I remember how much I hate medicine.

3. I joined Delta Gamma when I went to college.  Firstly, I never thought I would rush in a million years...and...it is an interesting experience to say the least.  Mostly it's wonderful and a good break from ballet, but sometimes it's a little much.  I'm sure many of my sisters will agree with me.

4. I am a very, very passionate person.  I throw myself completely into everything I do, which sometimes gets me into trouble.  I get too attached to things and am WAY too emotional, but I think most of the time that's a a good thing.

5. I like Harry Potter.  If you have a problem with that, go read the books.

6. My faith is really important to me.  I couldn't get through life without Jesus.  He's awesome.

7. My friends are also really important to me.  I don't get to see some of my friends very often.  They are all over the country and it's a bummer.  I need to make more of an effort to call them more often and skype them more often and do all those other things you do to stay in touch.  I'm kinda bad at that.  But now it's in writing so I have to follow through.

8. I used to vlog on YouTube.  And by "used to" I mean the last time I made a video was almost a whole year ago.  I've been thinking about starting it up again, but I'm not sure.  See, one of the reasons I stopped were the fact that I kinda think I suck at vlogging.  I watch all these other people and they are so good at it.  And I suck.  And my life is boring.  Also, YouTube just got REALLY big.  Like, SO big.  And that's intimidating.  Hmm...I guess I'll have to continue thinking about whether or not I'll start it up again.

9. I've never been in love.  Which is ok.  But it kinda sucks sometimes.

10. My family, while crazy and complicated, is my rock.

I think that's enough for now.  I would love to read your comments so comment away please!  This should be fun.  And I promise to make more of a commitment to this than I have with previous blogs.  Bye for now.