But damn, it really sucks to be single sometimes. Especially when your mom is happier than she's ever been...and occasionally rubs it in your face when you're sitting on the couch next to her and her fiance gazing lovingly into each other's eyes while watching The Sound of Music. Especially when practically all of your best friends appear to have perfect boyfriends. Especially when you go to Facebook, see a last name you don't recognize, and find that yet another person you know recently got married. Please don't misunderstand. I am not trying to be jealous. I'm so beyond happy for all of these said people. I just wish these things didn't remind me so much of my perpetual single-ness and make me feel so lonely.
I am a pretty independent person. I traveled halfway across the country to attend high school a thirteen hour drive from my home at fourteen, for crying out loud. I have lived in two different apartments since graduation, and still find it kind of weird when people don't know how to do their own laundry. I'm not trying to say that I'm some stoic and emotionally very strong person. Because I'm not. I'm actually too emotional. Sometimes I cry at the drop of a hat just because it's the only way I can deal with things. When I get mad or stressed, I don't yell or eat or be quiet, I cry. Which, yes, I realize is not the ideal thing to do. What I am trying to say, however, is that I don't understand why I feel this lonely when I am an independent young woman with plenty of friends and family and love to go around. I simply shouldn't feel this lonely. And what upsets me more is that I have convinced myself that life would be better with a boyfriend. Maybe it would, but I need to remind myself that I have very little spare time as it is, and, let's face it, boyfriends take up time. And at the moment, I'm unsure if my schedule could handle it.
I didn't used to care about this as much as I currently do. Dancing with North Carolina Dance Theatre and Tulsa Ballet for two years was time consuming and I didn't have time to really even think about boys. Plus, the only ones I really met were either very taken, married, or gay. They were awesome. Just not possibilities. And I could have cared less. I guess going to college has made me this way. The social scene was an awful adjustment. It's fun, but definitely overwhelming. Apparently, I'd been living under a rock for the first 20 years of my life because until I started school, I had never even heard the term "hooking up." Ok...that's an exaggeration. I had heard it, but didn't know what it meant. I still really don't. I mean, yeah, I get it--physical stuff without emotional attachment or obligation. I'm just not a fan. I'll admit I have had a couple of drunken make-out sessions with boys I barely knew, but that's about it as far as no-strings-attached physical involvement. I'm not a prude, just guarded and afraid of getting hurt (which is another topic entirely).
So, I'm trying to convince myself that I don't need a boyfriend. That I should just relax and have fun and live instead of pining away for someone I have yet to meet. I'm trying. And this semester has taught me a lot about that. And being home and focusing on the holidays has been a welcome respite from the social pressures of school (and for the down time in which all I think about is how it'd be real nice to have a boy to cuddle with right then). So, for those of you who do have significant others, enjoy their company and kiss them at midnight on New Year's Eve. I'll probably be home having a movie marathon with me, myself, and a bottle of wine...or at a bar with friends scoping out the single men to share a New Year's make-out with...oops.
P.S. As I am depressed about Christmas being over, I'm currently listening to one of my many Pandora Christmas stations in order to further my denial that it's December 28th.
