Christmastime: Nostalgia, Current Enjoyment, and Future Fears

Why is it that come December, we all long to be 5 again?  I think something about the snow and eggnog seep into our psyches and make us yearn for the days of being innocent and carefree...and when we still believed in Santa Claus.  It's upsetting that Christmastime, as I age, has become a bit more stressful, and how the month of December has turned into whirlwind push-yourself-to-breaking-point-to-get-ready-for-Nutcracker-and-then-perform-it chaos followed by frantically-try-to-finish-projects-and-papers-you-put-off-and-cram-for-finals madness, so that by the time I returned home for break this past Friday, I did nothing but sleep and sit for about 48 hours.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved performing Nutcracker this year...snow went well and the ballet department came together more than I'd seen it, and it was just lovely and uncompetitive and supportive and family-like.  But the stress of it wore me out...and the following two weeks--dead week (which was not dead) and finals week (which sucked because, though I only had two finals, they fell the last two days of the week) were no picnic either.  So I guess what I'm saying is that school has sort of interfered with my Christmastime enjoyment.  But being home has sort of washed that all clean...and family time and shopping and baking and decorating and loveliness has made up for over half the month of December being completely crazy and nuts (no pun intended).

This got me thinking, however, about the prospect of me (hopefully and God willing) being in a company next year...where the likelihood of being able to be home for Thanksgiving is, well, not...and the probability of a long Nutcracker run through December 26th or later (Boston's goes through NYE--ew) is pretty high.  I haven't spent Christmas away from home, well, EVER.  The thought of not being in my bed on Christmas morning pretty much makes me sick to my stomach.  Aaaaand the fact that one weekend of Nutcracker shows did me in makes me question my ability to survive a long Nut run without completely burning out or getting injured.  I know that this is just all speculation in my head...the usual worrying and overthinking that my brain seems to put me through on a daily basis, but these are real fears of mine.  I don't question my ability to make friends in the company where I will hopefully end up, and therefore, I don't doubt that I will be able to figure out how to have Christmas away from home in the middle of Nutcracker.  But right now, thinking about that makes me sad and terrified.

All I want in the world is for my audition season beginning in January to go well and for me to come out on the other side in May knowing where I'll be in August and hopefully with plans in the works on how to get there.  All I want in the world is get a job dancing.  If a company that offers me a job has a long Nutcracker season, it will certainly not impact if I say "yes."  A job's a job.  Sacrifice has been one of the words that's followed me around my whole life.  Maybe Christmas at home will just have to wait until December 27th next year...

...Or, who knows?  Maybe I'll end up at a company like where my dear friend Emily is and get to go home on the 17th of December...

I hope you all have a very merry Christmas, or, if you celebrate something else that you have a great holiday and a Happy New Year...I might be back here before the 1st of January, but just in case I'm covering all my bases.  Be safe and enjoy your families and friends.  I hope this Christmas you find yourselves blessed by the gifts of God and the goodness of grace.  Much love.  <3

BEDA Vingt...It's like the best music playin' in your ear

Yesterday, as you know, I sub-taught ballet at one of the local studios in town (actually, one of my girls from Orlando showed up and took my class...it was weird), and then my mom picked me up, and we drove to Chicago (all things know, all things know...lolsufjanstevensjokes...) to see Billy Elliot.  Oh my gosh, I am sooooo glad I was so privileged to be able to see it.  Cesar Corrales, a native of Mexico and National Ballet of Canada trained dancer, was our Billy.  OH. MY. GOD.  I seriously have no words.  He was so talented and had so much energy and endurance and AHH!  For some idea of how much work the young Billys have done see this video.

Overall, it was a terrific show.  I was especially impressed with Emily Skinner as Mrs. Wilkinson.  She was just brilliant and actually kind of reminded me of an 80s Northern English version of my old dance teacher.  And the kid who played Michael (I don't have my program in front of my so I can't be sure but I think it was Gabriel Rush) was just freaking gifted.  Totally hilarious, particularly in the scene when he wears his sister's clothes.  That kid is going to go so far!  The music was brilliant, and the set was very cool.  And it was also a lot funnier than I remember the movie was.  Really, I had no complaints, except for one.  The guy who played Older Billy (now, I think he was a swing, and, therefore, not the regular) was not impressive.  I mean, the scene was still brilliant--Billy dancing alongside his older self to Swan Lake music and doing aerial work on a wire--but the Older Billy was, honestly, not good.  Kind of chunky and noticeably not turned out with very little extension.  But, as that was my only complaint, it was an incredible show, and, if you live near London, New York, or Chicago, or the tour (which begins in November) is coming anywhere near you, go see it!  You won't be disappointed.

Ew, my cat just drooled on me.  Not kidding.

Tomorrow, my mom, grandma, Dave, and I are driving up to Michigan to spend the weekend at a family friend's lake cottage.  Super stoked to just do nothing but sit on the deck, swim, and drink wine with the fam all weekend.  Btw, according to a CNN article, red wine is one of the top 10 biggest vices that are actually good for you.  There...so one of my guilty pleasures may not be so guilty after all.

On a more serious note, I was talking with my mom in the car last night, and we pretty much came to the conclusion that I am far too anxious, as well as don't know how to believe in myself.  I have always been a worrier.  Letting go and giving up control has never been my strong suit, and I have freaked myself out to the point of hyperventilation or passing out more than is normal.  I am a serious planner, so living "in the moment" has never been easy for me either.  I am an overthinker/overanalyzer, who has to have everything planned out in her head for the future.  Uncertainty is not a good look for me.  And then there's the whole issue of not believing in myself...this is not to be confused with self-confidence...I believe I possess a great deal of that.  This is confidence in my abilities...as a dancer and as a person.  I lack the self-esteem to trust that I can "do anything" or that I am a deserving individual.  Sometimes, I think I've even talked myself out of success because I am too terrified or timid.  This is something I'm determined to work on this year, as I won't very well get a job without believing, first, that I can.

I also read this article today, which stated that for every 100 single women there are only 88 unmarried men.  Awesome.  So the odds are even more against me based on the 2010 Census.  Cool, guys.  Real cool.

Mockingjay comes out Monday night at midnight!!  YAY!  Mao's Last Dancer came out today, but, unfortunately, the closest place it is playing is Chi-town where it probably costs 20 bucks to buy popcorn.  GRR.  I hate that smaller budget or "more artsy" films are only out in select theaters usually.  Lamesauce.  I can't believe there are only eleven more days of BEDA.  I'm really glad I decided to do this, even if sometimes my posts are half-assed or totally lacking in the creativity department.

That's all I've got for today, ladies and gentlemen.  As always, comments are appreciated (iwantmoarcommentsssss).  Have a lovely Friday and a terrific weekend.  I'll be here as usual :)

P.S. I posted a "Dear Future Me" video a la Charlie McDonnell yesterday, in case you're interested.  I think I'm a little too enthusiastic and say "what was she thinking?" a few too many times, but oh well.  Bye!

Currently stuck in my head: "Electricity" from Billy Elliot (what else?).  Particularly the first two lines "I can't really explain it / I haven't got the words / It's a feelin' that you can't control / I suppose it's like forgettin', losin' who you are / and at the same time, somethin' makes yeh whole /  The lyrics are what is really does feel like when dancing isn't painful or terrible or awful.  When there are those moments on stage where it is sheer ecstasy.