Christmastime: Nostalgia, Current Enjoyment, and Future Fears

Why is it that come December, we all long to be 5 again?  I think something about the snow and eggnog seep into our psyches and make us yearn for the days of being innocent and carefree...and when we still believed in Santa Claus.  It's upsetting that Christmastime, as I age, has become a bit more stressful, and how the month of December has turned into whirlwind push-yourself-to-breaking-point-to-get-ready-for-Nutcracker-and-then-perform-it chaos followed by frantically-try-to-finish-projects-and-papers-you-put-off-and-cram-for-finals madness, so that by the time I returned home for break this past Friday, I did nothing but sleep and sit for about 48 hours.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved performing Nutcracker this year...snow went well and the ballet department came together more than I'd seen it, and it was just lovely and uncompetitive and supportive and family-like.  But the stress of it wore me out...and the following two weeks--dead week (which was not dead) and finals week (which sucked because, though I only had two finals, they fell the last two days of the week) were no picnic either.  So I guess what I'm saying is that school has sort of interfered with my Christmastime enjoyment.  But being home has sort of washed that all clean...and family time and shopping and baking and decorating and loveliness has made up for over half the month of December being completely crazy and nuts (no pun intended).

This got me thinking, however, about the prospect of me (hopefully and God willing) being in a company next year...where the likelihood of being able to be home for Thanksgiving is, well, not...and the probability of a long Nutcracker run through December 26th or later (Boston's goes through NYE--ew) is pretty high.  I haven't spent Christmas away from home, well, EVER.  The thought of not being in my bed on Christmas morning pretty much makes me sick to my stomach.  Aaaaand the fact that one weekend of Nutcracker shows did me in makes me question my ability to survive a long Nut run without completely burning out or getting injured.  I know that this is just all speculation in my head...the usual worrying and overthinking that my brain seems to put me through on a daily basis, but these are real fears of mine.  I don't question my ability to make friends in the company where I will hopefully end up, and therefore, I don't doubt that I will be able to figure out how to have Christmas away from home in the middle of Nutcracker.  But right now, thinking about that makes me sad and terrified.

All I want in the world is for my audition season beginning in January to go well and for me to come out on the other side in May knowing where I'll be in August and hopefully with plans in the works on how to get there.  All I want in the world is get a job dancing.  If a company that offers me a job has a long Nutcracker season, it will certainly not impact if I say "yes."  A job's a job.  Sacrifice has been one of the words that's followed me around my whole life.  Maybe Christmas at home will just have to wait until December 27th next year...

...Or, who knows?  Maybe I'll end up at a company like where my dear friend Emily is and get to go home on the 17th of December...

I hope you all have a very merry Christmas, or, if you celebrate something else that you have a great holiday and a Happy New Year...I might be back here before the 1st of January, but just in case I'm covering all my bases.  Be safe and enjoy your families and friends.  I hope this Christmas you find yourselves blessed by the gifts of God and the goodness of grace.  Much love.  <3

Black Swan, Finals, and Waiting to be home for Christmas

So...I saw Black Swan today. And instead of sleeping, I now find myself unable to get the movie out of my head. It's still spinning.

My initial thoughts are that it was creepy and weird and awkward and scary and different and unexpected and kind of really cool. Because I do not think I can do a review justice, I will simply stick with a list of things I liked and didn't like.

Things I liked:

1. Seeing familiar faces in the dancers in the background.  Dancers from Pennsylvania Ballet were featured as extras and a couple are acquaintances of mine.  Very cool to be in a movie theater and go, "I know her!"

2. The close-up of the foot in the fouette sequence. Pretty sure those were Sarah Lane's feet...fierce.

3. Natalie Portman's acting.  Whether you loved the movie or hated it, you cannot doubt that the girl deserves at least an Oscar nom, if not a win.

4. Natalie Portman's Black Swan makeup...obsession.

5. The creepy-not-knowing-what-the-hell-was-going-on-or-what-was-real-and-not-real of it all.

Things I did not like:

1. The stereotypes. Ok, we get it...she's supposed to be a control freak and she's a ballet dancer...she must have bulimia. #annoying

2. The sex scenes. They were awkward and uncomfortable and I covered my eyes.

3. Nina's relationship with her mother made me want to vomit. I think it was definitely a vital part of the story, but the mommy-dearestness of it all just kind of made me sick to my stomach.

4. There was more blood than I had anticipated. It was fine, but just unexpected.

5. The company seemed very competitive.  Though at times, they were supportive of Nina and the other dancers, it seemed very cutthroat.  The nature of companies allows for healthy competition; however, companies are more like families than anything else.  If you don't have love and support from your colleagues, you've got nothin' and you won't survive in this world.  Although, maybe that was the point...Nina's complete inability to be normal and her disconnect from the rest of the company and her living-with-her-mother thing perhaps isolated her and fed her delusions.

Overall, I really liked it...however, all the "masterpiece" and "perfect" reviews are a little lost on me simply because it's way different watching it from the perspective of a dancer.  It's a very dark view of my world, and, while I understand it is much more psychothriller than documentary, it kind of depicts the ballet world as one that is beyond crazy, with all directors lusting after their principals and all principals going crazy over performing Odette/Odile. But in general, I thought it was a fantastic film, and I'm probably going to go with my mom over break...might leave the step-dad at home though...those sex scenes were just too much to handle...

In other news, I went to a very fun IUBT gathering on Saturday night and wore a priceless outfit...it was an Ugly Christmas Sweater Potluck and I looked absolutely ridiculous.  Have a look:

Other winners included Kiki:

Alyssa in her child's homemade sweater complete with fuzzy bear:

 

And Mara and Colleen, who matched in their ridiculous denim dresses:

Alright, I'm off to bed, now that my head is partially cleared.  Gonna pick up coffee in the morning and then hit the music library and the books hard.  Chaucer final on Thursday and Ancient Greek Culture final on Friday.  So close to break I can taste it...but I have to, you know, not fail first.  Here's hoping!  Good luck to the rest of you in the throes of finals week--I hope your paper-writing, project-finishing, exam-studying is going well...well, as well as it can, at least.  To those of you already on break, I'm jealous.  To those of you who are in the throes of Nutcracker season, hang in there...praying for you to have longevity and joy in the monotony.  And to the rest of you, I hope that you are well and finding at least a little time to yourself in this busy month of Christmas shopping, gathering, and craziness.  Love to all.

The End is Beginning...

So that whole blogging-through-tech-week thing didn't exactly come to fruition, did it?  Sorry...I barely had time to sleep or eat, let alone tell you all about it...

Anyway, Nutcracker has been done for 3 days now, and I guess I'm more relieved than sad.  But I'm still sad.  The performances went better than I could have possibly expected them to.  I had more fun dancing Snow Queen on stage, and it finally felt like all those tears were worth it.  I've never cried so much over a role ever, and it was more amazing than I could have imagined.  Truth be told, I am a little sad it's over though.  That was my last IUBT Nutcracker.  That is the 2nd to last time I will share the MAC stage with them.  There is nothing like the friendships I have with these people.  We've been through everything together the last 2 1/2 years and I can't believe that in a few short months, I will be an alumna of Indiana University and will be leaving behind all the wonderful people that this place has allowed me to meet.  I never wanted to do college.  And it has turned into the most incredible and unexpected blessing in my life.  Best, most important decision ever.  I just need not to focus so much on the imminence of graduation and savor my last semester of college with the best friends ever.

I finally finished my Chaucer paper last night (thank God).  Not sure how I did and I honestly don't care all that much...though I probably will when I get it back...ugh.  I'm really bummed because I basically have nothing to do for the next week...my only two finals are next Thursday and Friday.  Cruel, cruel joke, Registrar's Office.  I just want to be home.  Praying for motivation and resolve for this last week.

I cannot wait to be home with family celebrating Christmas...I feel like I haven't really been able to enjoy the season yet because I've been so swamped with Nutcracker and school and it being 7 degrees here in Btown. 

Alrighty, I'm off to watch more bad made-for-tv Christmas movies in an effort to take my mind off how hungry I am and then head to bed.  I hope all of you who are studying for finals are fairing better than I am.  Safe travels for those of you making journeys home soon.  <3

On Christmas Traditions and Additions

This year, Christmas was a little different.  For those of you who don't know, my mom is due to get married in February (to a wondeful, wonderful guy) and we (my mom, brother, and I) have been moved into his house with his two college-aged sons since October.  It was a strange adjustment.  I wasn't around for the move, and my house is a four hour drive from my school, so I don't get home very often.  The first time I saw the house was at Thanksgiving, and everything was already moved in and situated, and I felt a little discombobulated.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I was sooo happy to be living there, but I had been living in my old house since I was five.  We moved there from the Chicago suburbs, and, after my mom's divorce, it was a constant.  I could always come home to it.  I went away to high school and took two years off to dance in two different ballet companies after graduation and have been gone a long time, so I don't have a terribly strong connection to my hometown, but that house was always my respite, my piece of familiarity, etc.  So to come "home" to some place completely new was weird and different, to say the least.

But, somehow, I managed to figure it all out, and I went back to school, finished up my final papers, and got home the 14th.  I've been home for two weeks and feel a bit more adjusted than I did at Thanksgiving.  However, Christmas was definitely different this year.  I knew it would be...a new house, a soon-to-be step-dad, two soon-to-be step-brothers, four dogs, two cats, (and a partridge in a pear tree), is a lot to handle.  On Christmas Eve, we went to my grandma and grandpa's house for dinner like we've done since I can remember and then to their church for Christmas Eve service.  Much as I like their church, it would have been nice to have gone to ours.  Also, my grandpa isn't doing so hot lately, so in order to get him to church, they had to pack the wheelchair in the car.  That was hard.  After church, we came home, but, unlike Christmases past, my mom didn't have any Christmas PJs for us to unwrap.  She "didn't know we wanted them."  Didn't know we wanted them?!  I ALWAYS want Christmas PJs.  Oh well.  No biggie, I guess.

Then, on Christmas morning, we woke up (late--9:30 I think it was), opened our stockings from "Santa," had waffles and drank some Christmas blend, and then my brother and I reluctantly drove to our dad's house for Christmas dinner.  The last time we spent Christmas with my dad was before I went away to school, so, to say it was weird doesn't even begin to cover it.  Now, don't mistake, I love my dad, but I don't exactly like him.  We haven't clicked in about five years.  We don't talk regularly and it's hit-or-miss whether we're going to get along when we see each other.  But that's another story entirely.  Anyway, we had turkey and green beans and mashed potatoes and all the fixins, but my brother and I were definitely glad when it was over.  We then returned home, opened up our presents (Santa was good to me this year) in the late afternoon, and ended the day with steak, mashed potatoes, and wine.  Lots of wine.

Yesterday, we got up early and headed up to Michigan to see my mom's fiance's family.  I was a bit nervous to be meeting so many new people (21 in total I believe), but they were so welcoming and fun that it ended up being a blast!  We had yet another Christmas dinner (take 3? 4?), sat around and drank wine, and played several violent rounds of Spoons and Taboo.  Then the adults left and the "kids" stayed at one of the cousins' houses, watched The Hangover (which I'm very surprised I thought was hysterical), and went to bed late.  We drove home in the snow this afternoon, and here I sit on my bed in my new house with my new cat purring next to me.

Like Buck said in his vlog the other day, Christmas changes, but it's ok.  I think I can get used to this.  Christmas isn't always going to be as brilliant or as awesome as it was last year, but it will always be different.  It might even be better.  I can't wait for the wedding in mid-February.  I've never seen my mom this happy in my life.  And that, my friends, is more of a present than anything Santa could have left me under the tree.

Merry Christmas and best wishes (loljohngreenjokes) for 2010!!!