BEDA Seize...Why I Do It

Yes, before you ask, that is me above.  I don't usually put dancing pictures of myself on here, so I figured I might as well, since that's all I'm gonna be talking about pretty much right now.

This summer, we had a...well...the only word I can use to describe her that's the least bit nice is interesting...jazz teacher.  Her attitude, inability to count straight 8s, and horrendous out-date-80s choreography led most of us to a loathing of her and a dread of her jazz class/pieces we had to perform.  Oh, and she made us do our hair like this for the show.  Anyway, the reason I'm bringing this up is because once during about week 4, she shared poems she had written with us about dance.  With cliche titles like "Why do I dance?" and "Let Your Wings Soar," you can imagine me trying my best to stifle my laughter.  You see, these were ridiculous explanations of why someone dances.  Ok, yeah...I understand that maybe at age 10, if someone asks you why you're a dancer, you'll probably give them the line, "Because I can express myself" or "It's freeing."  However, as dancers age, and I have found this in my many years of study with almost all of my ballet friends, that dancing isn't really "freeing" at all.  In fact, it's oftentimes quite the opposite.

In a sense, I am a slave to ballet.  Growing up, I often had to turn down invitations to do fun things with the standard line, "I can't...I have rehearsal," and sacrifice just seems to be the name of the game.  I've given up pretty much everything to still be dancing, and so have my parents.  Even my brother has taken the back burner on occasions.  The discipline involved in day in, day out classes, and dancers' love hate relationship with the mirror and perfection and their bodies create this kind of prison.

Sometimes, I really hate ballet.  Like, for instance, there are some days when I'm just so incredibly exhausted that even stretching before class seems like a chore.  And forget jumping high.  There are days when my body feels so heavy or fragile, I fear it might break.  And there are days when I feel so "off" and the teachers are harping and nothing is going right and I'm nearing breakdown.  That is not "freeing" at all.  That is torture.  But I can't quit.  I could never quit.  I think a lot of dancers dance not because it serves as an art of self-expression (though that may be possible in some improv classes on occasion) or freedom, but because they must.  There are no options.  I wreak havoc on my body every day, waking up in the morning with unimaginable stiffness and soreness and pain because I have to.  (I may also be a bit of a masochist, but we won't discuss that right now.)  And then there are moments...most of them happen on stage...where I experience an ecstasy so powerful and so overwhelming that I know I could never feel that anywhere else.  I've experienced plenty of heartbreak as a ballet dancer.  Hell, I don't even know if I'm going to be able to still be doing this for the rest of my life.  I don't know how long my body will hold out.  I don't know if the ballet world has a place for me still reserved in it.  But I do know that I don't see myself doing anything else.  I can't even imagine it.  I dance because it's not an option not to dance.  By the way, if you're wondering what brought this on, I found my dance quotations book on my bookshelf this morning and read the following:

"Ballet is full of mysteries.  Take the question of dancers' health.  Before company class starts every day at ten o'clock they straggle in, drawn and ashen-faced.  How it alarms me...Poor girls, how could they have even managed the stairs let alone survive an hour or two of class.  They line the studio with bags and bundles that disgorge a cargo of bandages and woollies, plasters and cotton wool.  It is less a dance studio and more a casualty ward as they pad and plaster bruised feet, tie scarves like tourniquets around their heads and waists, heave themselves into plastic trousers - gingerly lest they awaken past injuries.  As they hobble about I wonder how these invalids will ever bear the rigours of the barre.  Then, against all reason, a daily miracle takes place.  As the first notes of the piano are struck, far from wilting they begin to shimmer with well-being.  Their eyes open wider, their hair starts to shine, their skin glows and, as the time for centre work arrives the general radiance is dazzling.  The miracle is that they are drawing strength from the very act of dancing itself, living off it, and nourished by it.  As a long day of rehearsal passes the energy drawn from the dance seems to grow until the accumulated vitality is offered to their evening audience as an incomparable gift."  ~Donald Hamilton Fraser

Ballet is like medicine, I think.  It might not taste so good a lot of the time, but it always makes you feel better when you take it.  I guess a lot of people won't ever understand why I didn't choose to pursue something "normal" with my life.  But who gives a damn about those people?  I'm done listening to other people's criticisms.  Done questioning if this is what I'm supposed to be doing.  Because God would not have given me this incredible gift if I wasn't meant to use it.  I'm finally starting to be okay with  me...all parts of me.  If people can't accept the fact that I don't want to be a doctor or a lawyer or a businesswoman, then they can get over themselves.  I'm done trying and failing to explain myself.  I'm a dancer because it's the only thing I know how to be.  And that's quite alright with me.

I'm sorry if, in my attempt to not be cliche, I ended up sounding cliche, but I'm writing this rather quickly and trying not to overthink it. 

In other news, I finally finished The Hunger Games yesterday (I hadn't gotten to read for about five days as things were NUTS around the house), and, as I tweeted from the train yesterday, I am certifiably in love with Peeta Mellark.  Can't wait to start Catching Fire.  And Mockingjay comes out so soon!!  I'm off to do homework...I really need to finish a lesson today or my mom might kill me.  Have a splendid Monday, beauties.  Again, PLEASE (!) shoot any blog topic ideas you may have my way, as I'm running out of BEDA steam.  Oh, oh!  I forgot to wish Sarah and Graham Badger a most happy 1st anniversary in my entry last night (or I guess it really was early this morning), so Happy Happy Happy Anniversary, and may God grant you the most amazing blessings in your next year of marriage. 

Currently stuck in my head: "We Are Golden" by MIKA.  I LOOOOOVE him.  Also, that video is amazing because I, too, have run round my room in my underwear singing along to Euro Candy Pop.

BEDA Treize...On Living Passionately

I think I'm getting addicted to the gym.  I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  I was there for almost 2 hours today, and I want to go back.  Problem. 

Today, I didn't do much (yet again), except work out and eat.  Oh, and I read this infuriating article (btw, I'd love to hear your thoughts).  Instead of the promised So You Think You Can Dance review (we all love Lauren, and I'm so so so proud of her), I'm going to take my inspiration from Kayley, who posted a lovely blog today :)

Kayley talked about her favorite part of herself, and I'm going to do the same.  I have been an intensely passionate person for pretty much my whole life.  When I fell in love with dance at a very young age (I started when I was 4, but I think I really fell for it when I was 7ish), I fell hard.  I am so passionate about dancing, and I get really emotional when I think about it.  When I performed Serenade in March (for the 3rd time), I cried on stage because I was so happy to be dancing it and the music was so incredible and it was just one of the greatest stage moments of my life.  I'm also really emotional and passionate in my everyday life.  I am really empathetic...if I see others crying it makes me want to cry.  If someone hurts a loved one, I, in turn, feel hurt.  Sometimes, my passion gets me into trouble...at home, I occasionally jump to conclusions and my mom and I get into heated arguments sometimes. (We don't have a bad relationship; we just bicker a lot.)  I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't trade my passionate side for anything.  I know, that when I do fall in love, it will be wholeheartedly and all in.  I wouldn't still be dancing if I didn't love it so much it hurts.  And my passion has led me to my incredible relationship with Jesus Christ.  So, I guess my favorite part of me is my passion.  I know that people say it's kind of volatile to be passionate, but there are good things about it, too.  It allows me to love things and people a whole lot.  And I wouldn't give that up for the world.

Currently stuck in my head: "Dynamite" by Taio Cruz (oh, hush, it was on my workout mix today)

BEDA Quatre...Loving and Hating SYTYCD

Because my day was less than stellar (spent the day in Chicago to take class/kill time/shop in awful, rainy weather), I'll spare you the gory details and rave/rant about my one of my favorite (most of the time) shows, So You Think You Can Dance.

Now, for those of you that have been living under a rock for the last six years and have no idea what I'm talking about, I will give you a brief rundown.  SYTYCD, as it has come to be abbreviated (which isn't even easy to say outloud--Ess-Why-Tee-Why-See-Dee), is essentially American Idol for dancers.  Up until this season, of the thousands of auditionees, the best were sent to Las Vegas for "Vegas Week," and the Top 20 (10 women and 10 men) were chosen to compete on the show.  Each week, male/female couples would do a "routine" (btw, I hate that word, but more on that later), either in their own style or outside of it, and then the judges would critique them.  On results night, after a group number, the bottom three women and bottom three men were announced.  From Top 20 to Top 10, the judges could "save" two girls and two guys.  Then, from Top 10 to the finale, it was all up to the audience.  That format has changed a bit in the show's current 7th season.  Instead of a Top 20, there was a Top 11 (6 men, 6 women).  Each week, they have competed with routines paired either with each other or a SYTYCD "all-star" (standouts from past seasons).  Up until last week, when they announced the Final Four, the judges could save two of the bottom three, who could be all male, all female, or both, as the number of women no longer has to equal the men.  What do they win?  Well, usually money (a hefty chunk of change like $250,000 or something, which is crazy for a dancer, and the title of "America's Favorite Dancer").  Hope I'm explaining this well enough.  Aaaanyway...

I have to admit, I've had a love/hate relationship with this show from Day One...and I'll admit, I've watched it, literally, from Day One.  Season One was way back in 2005.  I think I'll do a Pro/Con list to more fully illustrate my point:

The Pros:

1. Dance is finally being given its day. The American public is actually interested in a show about dancers, and that can't be argued with.

2. Getting to see people go far outside of their comfort zones and succeed.  Nothing says that better than Alex Wong's epicness. Holy crap, are you kidding me?!!

3. Sometimes the pieces are truly inspiring. Standouts in my recent memory include the infamous bench number, Jason and Jeanine's "If it Kills Me," Chelsie and Mark's "Bleeding Love," Though I wasn't her biggest fan, Lacey and Kameron's contemporary, Tyce's very first B'way/SYTYCD debut, Katee and Joshua's Bollywood and along those same lines Caitlin and Jason's "Jai Ho," Jamie and Hok's "Hummingbird and the Flower," the first pas de deux that was every on the show, the very first number that made me cry on the show-Allison and Ivan's "Why," The "Addiction" piece, Katee and Twitch in "Mercy," Season 2's Final Four take on "Sexy Back" (which I can't find decent video of), and this season's aforementioned Alex Wong hip-hop, Robert and Allison's "Fix You," Billy and Kathryn's "Jar of Hearts," Robert and Kathryn's "Heaven is a Place on Earth," and Ade and Billy's "Mad World."  Ok, I'll stop now.  Also, I know it seems like I like this season best...it's not.  I think season 3 goes down as my favorite season in history because of Danny Tidwell.  By the way, that solo of his was totally mostly Le Corsaire :D

4. The fact that I've had the privilege of dancing with some of the contestants.  It's way more exciting to vote for someone you've known or worked with :)

5. The guest performances are by top companies and artists, people that the general public might not see otherwise.

6. It's a really fun summer show.  When I was in Orlando, all four of the lounges were overtaken by the students.  I get really into it.

7. I start to believe that I'm not quite so weird...you see, dancers are REALLY, REALLY touchy-feely and emotional and I'm like that and seeing dancers on television who have such passion for what they do and are really emotional and hug each other and whatnot...well, it reassures me that I have company in my craziness.

8. Cat Deeley. Enough said.

Now, for the cons:

1. Why are the hip-hop dancers always praised SOOOO highly for doing ballroom semi-ok because it is such a large feat to go from no training to ballroom, while the ballet dancers (very, very few have ever actually made it to the show) are constantly bashed for not excelling at hip-hop.  Newsflash: hip-hop is a completely different way of moving one's body if one has been classically trained.  The center of gravity shift is insane.  I know this from personal experience (i.e. I absolutely suck at hip-hop).  Why all the lenience shown to the b-boys and no mercy to the contemporary/ballet dancers?

2. The audition process.  Just get me to Vegas Week so we can see the real talent.  The trolls and stupid people and awful auditions are painful to watch.  UGH!

3. This doesn't really apply this season, as I don't believe she's been on once, but Mary Murphy.  For those of you who watch the show, you know what I'm talking about.  For those of you who don't, this should suffice as a brief introduction.  Barf.  So glad they replaced her.

4. The American audience's sometimes brainlessness.  Yeah, yeah I know.  Most of the people who watch the show don't have trained dancing eyes, but sometimes the best dancers don't win.  I understand why...they don't connect with the public on camera, and therefore, the public does not vote for them.  However, there are some people that overstay their welcome for reasons that are baffling to me (Some that stand out in my memory are Season 2's Heidi and Ivan, Season 3's Dominic and Lacey, Season 4's Joshua (who actually went on to win the show, and that still baffles me) and Comfort, and Season 5's Melissa and Kayla.  I didn't actually watch Season 6, as it was this past fall and 1) I wasn't a huge fan of any of the contestants and 2) I feel like this show only works as a summer series).  The other side of this coin is the dancers who don't stay around long enough, the ones who are voted out earlier than what I think their time should be (i.e. Season 2's Allison (btw so glad she's an all-star this season), Season 3's Jaimie, Season 4's William Wingfield (he's one of my favorite contestants to-date) and Chelsie (she should have been in the finals), and Season 5's Caitlin (ok, I'm a little biased as I danced with her in 2006-07).

5. The ultimate winners of the show.  I think, out of all 5 seasons I've watched, I've agreed with exactly two of the winners--Season 1's Nick Lazzarini and Season 5's Jeanine Mason.  The other winners--Benjii Schwimmer, Sabra Johnson, and Joshua Allen--have confused me since their respective finale nights, especially considering who their runner-ups were (Travis Wall, Danny Tidwell, and Katee Shean/Twitch, respectively).  I mean, come on!  Where is the logic in that?  I understand somebody must have liked the winners, otherwise they wouldn't have, you know, won.  But it just pisses me off that some of the best dancers have been totally jipped on this show!

6. The judges.  While I agree with them quite often, sometimes their logic escapes me.  I hate that they often criticize the dancers' costumes (seriously? They likely did not pick that pleather unitard off the rack and say, "Yes, I will most certainly rock this during the quick-step tonight).  I hate that sometimes a dancer's talent gets overlooked because they're criticizing their demeanor or character (a la Danny Tidwell season 3 when they could not get over the fact that they thought he was so "arrogant.")  And the constant focus on dancing from the inside-out.  WE GET IT!  The dancer has to connect with the camera.  He or she cannot do this if he or she is not passionate or if his or her passion is not showing through his or her dancing.  But they sound like broken records.

7. This. Period. End of story. Most heartbreaking and awful thing ever. Praying for Alex Wong's swift and complete recovery.

I think that's a fairly substantial list, and I don't want to make this post too terribly long and boring, so I'll quit now, but I just needed to get that off my chest.

The cons don't really outweigh the pros...I'd probably still watch even if there were more things I couldn't stand about the show, but there are just some things that irk me, and I needed to catalog them.  And not have a boring blog post.  Though I'm sure this is fairly boring to a lot of you.  I'm finishing this with a little over an hour to spare.  BEDA, I cannot give up on you yet!!  Peace and blessins, Me

Edit: I was so happy to hear to Prop 8 verdict today.  Work it, Judge Walker.

Edit 2: As if MSNBC read my mind, I found this article just now...

A Numbered Update

It's been a little while...my apologies for my lack of blog posts over the last two weeks.  I've been a crazy busy hectic mess of a person.  So, here's for an update:

1. We finished learning Serenade, have now run it through twice (once Thursday, once Friday), and I'm fairly sure that I'm going to be able to get through it.  I need a bit more stamina though.  Does anyone know where one can buy it?  Thanks.

2. Along those lines, we start Agnes de Mille's Rodeo on Monday.  The man setting it will be here through Spring Ballet, so it won't be as stressful, hopefully.

3. I have a paper to write that's due Monday at midnight and I am procrastinating like no other.  Blah.

4. My mom's wedding is exactly one week from today!  I am so, so excited to go home for it and to see family that I never get to see.  :)

5. Yesterday, IU held a symposium called "Check Your Label: Elements of Conscious Consumerism," which featured several social entrepreneurs who are doing amazing things with fair trade and the like.  One of these was Blake Mycoskie, CEO and Chief Shoe-Giver of TOMS Shoes.  I've been a fan of TOMS for quite a while, so it was a definite treat to hear him tell the story I've heard for so long and to see his passion for his company in action.  Also, he's super good-looking.  Anyone know where I can find someone like him?  If you do, please let me know.

6. Valentine's Day is approaching.  It makes me want to throw up.  Anyone want to be mine?

7. The Vancouver 2010 Winter Olympics start on Friday, and I couldn't be more pumped.

8. I need coffee.  Now.  But the stuff downstairs just doesn't cut it, and it's much too cold and the wind is howling much too loudly for me to get up the energy to walk to the Starbucks in the Union.

9. I saw the IU Opera Theater's production of Lucia di Lammermoor last night.  While it ran a little long (almost 3 hours!), I was incredibly impressed by Angela Kloc's (Lucia) performance.  It was kind of unbelievable, especially considering she's only a first year grad student!

10. I need to see several movies before the Oscars, including The Hurt Locker, Crazy Heart, and It's Complicated.  I also want to see Dear John, despite the not-so-great things I've heard about it (Channing Tatum is a god) and Valentine's Day, but I think I'll wait til after next weekend, when the theater isn't overtaken by lovesick couples (ew).

11. Had my first IUDM Alumni Relations Committee meeting and am so excited about the work that we're going to be doing.  We have a very large task at hand, trying to expand our alumni base and bring them into the foreground of the marathon, but the committee is full of creative and talented people, and I'm confident we have the necessary tools to do this.  It definitely made me feel better about everything.

12. Finally, I still feel like God is preparing me for something awesome right now, but He still hasn't quite revealed to me what that is.  I'm continuing to pray about it.  Those of you who pray, would you mind praying for me to have patience and to not lose my trust in His plan?  That would be fabulous. 

I think that's enough of an update for now.  Not much else to report.  Hope those of you on the east coast are staying out of the cold and snow...we were expecting more snow in Btown, but it looks like we got about 6 or so inches and a lot of wind instead.

A Triumphant (?) Return to the Blogosphere

Hi.  For those who don't know me, I'm Ellen.  I hate writing these "first post" things because they're kind of annoying and I HATE writing about myself.  Mostly because it makes my life sounds pretty lame.  Which it is.  So...yeah.  Anyway, I've decided to start blogging again.  Now, I've tried this a few times in the past with very little success, but I'm going to seriously try this time.  I mean it.  I'll make it a New Year's Resolution (which, let's face it, people rarely keep, but whatever).

Some things you should know about me (this is a random list--obviously my life has more facets than this, but it's a brief overview):

1. I'm a dancer.  A serious one.  Ballet was my first love and always will me.  My life revolves around it.  I attend Indiana University as a ballet major.  I'll be graduating a year early in 2011, and, hopefully, by then I will have a job as a full company member somewhere.  It's weird to have known what I wanted to do since I was 8.  Most people in college still don't know what they want to do.  I always have.  That's pretty awesome, but also heartbreaking because if I don't get a job dancing, I honestly don't know what I'll do.  Have you ever wanted something so badly it hurt?  That's how I feel about getting a ballet job.

2. I am probably the biggest worrywart you will ever meet.  Seriously.  It's a problem.  Sometimes I think I should be medicated for my anxiety, but then I remember how much I hate medicine.

3. I joined Delta Gamma when I went to college.  Firstly, I never thought I would rush in a million years...and...it is an interesting experience to say the least.  Mostly it's wonderful and a good break from ballet, but sometimes it's a little much.  I'm sure many of my sisters will agree with me.

4. I am a very, very passionate person.  I throw myself completely into everything I do, which sometimes gets me into trouble.  I get too attached to things and am WAY too emotional, but I think most of the time that's a a good thing.

5. I like Harry Potter.  If you have a problem with that, go read the books.

6. My faith is really important to me.  I couldn't get through life without Jesus.  He's awesome.

7. My friends are also really important to me.  I don't get to see some of my friends very often.  They are all over the country and it's a bummer.  I need to make more of an effort to call them more often and skype them more often and do all those other things you do to stay in touch.  I'm kinda bad at that.  But now it's in writing so I have to follow through.

8. I used to vlog on YouTube.  And by "used to" I mean the last time I made a video was almost a whole year ago.  I've been thinking about starting it up again, but I'm not sure.  See, one of the reasons I stopped were the fact that I kinda think I suck at vlogging.  I watch all these other people and they are so good at it.  And I suck.  And my life is boring.  Also, YouTube just got REALLY big.  Like, SO big.  And that's intimidating.  Hmm...I guess I'll have to continue thinking about whether or not I'll start it up again.

9. I've never been in love.  Which is ok.  But it kinda sucks sometimes.

10. My family, while crazy and complicated, is my rock.

I think that's enough for now.  I would love to read your comments so comment away please!  This should be fun.  And I promise to make more of a commitment to this than I have with previous blogs.  Bye for now.